Self Reflections by Jen Klarfeld from January 1st, 2018

"Thunderbird Woman" Painting by Jen Klarfeld

Publishing this beautiful, open, raw, self reflective Facebook post, I wrote two years ago, on January 1st, 2018.

Looking back on photos of celebrations of old, with friends. Whatever year this was, I did not yet consciously know, Lynda Star would become inspired to move to Truth or Consequences, and I would leap in to make my dreams real, in this magical downtown Santa Fe retail space.

I have been hiding in healing and self reflection, for over a year now, partially stunned by situational traumas around money, changes, time, & a surprise injury in late October, 2016. Apparently I’m not the only one who has surfed such human tests, in recent years! My healing practice: Trailblazing Transformation continues, while my progression into my new vision & opportunity progressed over 2017, behind the scenes. You could say it budded, yet did not fully flower yet.

Now 2018 beckons me to leap in, open fully, hop to it, bloom for my own joy & bloom with and for my growing wholesome team! And so I am eager to trade my old fear vouchers in, for full, true faith in action. Screw you stuck, scared, inner orphan saboteur! Or rather I love you, tender, weakened timid parts, of the fabulous wholeness of me!

My Dad Marshall Klarfeld just called, after seeing a movie with his beloved Wife Mary Martin Guittard Klarfeld. 

My California Cousin Susan sent me this super magical package of mostly small black and white old photos of me as a little newborn, newly adopted baby, my new truly magical own bedroom, with friendly painted orange fairytale characters on the fabulous wallpaper, a rocking chair, my little crib, and a big orange round rug. I love orange 🍊!

There was this less fancy looking lady in a few of the pictures, holding me like a pro. "Who was she?" I wondered. So I asked my Dad. He explained, she was the nurse, and that Mom was scared, she wouldn’t quite know what to do. “How long was she there?... A couple weeks?” My Dad said he didn’t remember exactly. He said, "Oh no, more like 6 months!”

I was excited seeing the pictures of me as brand new. I was really moved by the timing of receiving them, as I feel so baby like, birthing myself anew, yet again, at age 53, with my downtown studio.

I spend a lot of time imagining odd details about my journey, in the womb of a birth mother, whom I found as an adult, and bonded with on-line and through a few gift and card exchanges.

I have mental and heart felt feeling files of truths, guesses and data. Perhaps it’s part of my theme, where I joke, I make it all up as I go along. It’s a blessing I’ve had all along.

So now I marvel at this new data, that fear was an influential factor from a handful of key players, in shaping my outlook and my path.

I have this vision of me in my first two weeks of life, surrounded by nurses of various shapes, sizes, colors & ethnicities, while hospitalized, on the bridge between my womb time family of origins, and my lifetime family of nurturance. I was born both breech and with jaundice.

So now I feel both tender, surprised & curious feelings today about this new piece of the puzzle of me.

My Mom, Judy, my adoptive Mom, had no experience preparing and bonding with me. We were not in constant communications, loving and easing each other forward, sharing unity through one body.

My Mom had fears, while needing and receiving long term help in caring for me. She learned to bond and care for me, from a servant like stranger, who also had no previous bond with me, either.

I’m fascinated both contemplating and integrating this reality into my her-story.

Today I felt a lot of judgement towards my Mother, for recent infractions of her style of being and fearing into me and my current world & existence. How can I cater to her needs and fears, when she’s programmed me so deeply to mother her through hers? It feels like such a lose/lose proposition.

My Mom, Judy found solace in expressing emotions, other people formed and neatly wrote into musical plays. Her passions were ignited, and outlets opened, in her pretending to be someone else, in front of a room full of strangers.

I tested it out, and tried it, over years of Theater Camp. Pretending to be others can be fun. I quite like donning a British or East Indian accent for a sentence or two. And I love to get lost in an exquisite play, movie, book, comedy, poem, or song.

I am more at home surrendering to some gusher of Soul expression from within. I love the solitary escape into making worlds through art, lines, shapes, movement, and color.

My Birth Grandmother was afraid of and for me. She saw that I was “removed” immediately at birth, exiled, like a valuable small slave. My birth mother was obviously blessed, cursed, and terrified, having me to love and loose, having to hide me to survive. Having me inside her, while being shamed, blamed, and ultimately overthrown. All this shapes me. It’s not an excuse, it is an explanation of feelings that still live inside of me. This is the stuff Bruce Lipton calls "the biology of belief." No wonder my soul signed on to root out, allow, feel, nurture, and transform trauma. I was shaped by quite a lot of it, even in my safe, picture perfect worlds!

I was not drawn to the stage like my Adoptive Mother, seeking applause and external validation, while enlivening joy through song and pretending.

I love creativity, seeing, feeling and hearing people for who they are, creating and holding space for self expression, self valuing, soul exploration, trauma transformation, intimacy, trust, truth, authenticity, freedom, and limitlessness.

My Mom Judy loves the physical plane, the body, costumes and clothing, manicures, food, drink, song, big emotions, entertaining, dance, drama, applause, praise, being seen and valued, caring, exploring, winning, and her giant extended gypsy theater family of people playing vividly within stories, set finite stories. She loves learning, big city opulence, architecture, Broadway musicals, make-up, Ella Fitzgerald, Gene Kelley, the Steelers, the Cubs, stories, books, trees, flowers, nature, singing, and live theater! She loves human rights, news, television, her home, yard, garden, and parties, as hostess or guest. She quite likes limits, should's, and being the star, the life of the party, the expert, and the smart one. She expresses anger openly, and shared thoughts eagerly, often without filters. If her words don’t say it, her facial expressions will tell it all! She’s fiery, gets bored easily, suffers fools poorly, hold a grudge indefinitely, hates reading instructions, is low tech, and highly disciplined.

I love intimacy, depth, the soul, art, books, stories, songs, dancing, community, true self revelation, reflection, diverse cultures, creative expression, deep perception, writing, hiking, swimming, surrender, movies, plays, mysticism, spiritual community, transformation, humanity, the unique faces of humanity, being, the earth, harmony, grace, love, valuing, seeing, awe, depth, space for unity, ceremony, sharing, inclusivity, hippy culture & music, the divine feminine, the true age, holding space for genuine emotions & feelings, radical honesty, self disclosure, love, friends, family, connecting, communicating, exploring, adventures and learning. I love people’s life stories, games, play, food, celebrations, hot springs, ancient hiking trails, indigenous culture, intuition, New Mexico red earth roads, freedom, and a sky full of stars.

I love our starseed origins, dreaming, fluidity, befriending the world, soul connections, popcorn, omnivorous options, Thai Green Curry, and parties hosted outside my home! I love days at home in my Pajamas, caring, kindness, and dropping into deep connections with fellow Souls on the journey. I love channeled starseed messages, light language, labyrinths, meditations, and visionary life. I love art collaborations, friends, family, healing and children. I appreciate the simplicity of boys and men. Soul gifts and treasures & transformation awe me!

Fear scares me, and at the same time, I’ve learned the art form of allowing, nurturing, blessing, welcoming, and holding space for human emotions that are real!

I powerfully relate to being a Starseed, an early indigo, an artist, an empath, and a visionary, and a rare new balance of feminine & masculine complimentary energies.

I suppose my Mom and I still scare each other frequently with both our differences and our mirrors.

At 52, I am learning to accept and allow each of us, as we are.

Seeing the love and the fear that went into bringing me here, gives me new levels of understanding and compassion, for all involved. These reflections help me claim my full power to take action, own and claim my full vision, gifts, intentions, choices, desires and will.

I have froze, feared, closed down, floated above my body and my life, and hid more of my soul gifts, than fully revealed and formed.

Now I see with wider eyes, a larger horizon, as I step back in wonder, Grace, gratitude, appreciation and awe, allowing all of this, for the blessings they are.

It’s my turn to step up and mother my creations into proud full expression. If I need a nurse to help midwife me a bit, in the beginning, I now understand that asking for help is a very humble and human way to proceed.

Blessings in birthing your treasures, my Friends. May we keep inspiring each other, and as parts of a whole, standing up, asking for, and engaging as much help as we require!

And if you are someone who has been helping me sometimes, or all along, Hello I love you! I’m grateful! Earth Angels, Divine Angels, Creator/Source/Love, Blessed Self, Family, Friends, Guided, Esteemed Teachers, Associates, Circuiteers, Healers, Creatives, Co-Cretors, Beloveds, Dates, Sheros, Hero’s, Fans, Mystic’s, Trailblazers, Starseed, Light-Ship Mates, “Enemies,” mistakes, shames, embarrassments, lessons, failures, successes, destructions, losses, Creations, Loves and blames, Thank you, 🙏🏾 Thank you, Thank you! Together we’re clear, Golden, Goddess, God, Super-powered, playful, silly, Angel-guided, highly Victorious One/won! So keep playing like we are ETernal, free Divinity in Motion, valuable, welcome, like we belong, and are at home, here in Heaven on Earth Mama!

Let’s all be the mother (earth) we had, and the mothers we are!

Rich Resourceful Mama, Living expressions of/on our safe, secure, loving, caring, nurturing, free, whole, completely abundant, harmonious Mama Gaia!

We’re here to make you proud, this new season of life!

Aho!