Jen here, reporting in. Since my last scribe's offerings, a new development has occurred. In late August I turned 45. In truth, I'd watched others make some pretty radical changes on their 45th birthday marker. In fact I may have even visited a few judgements, as to how fast their radical changes hit. "Is turning 45 an excuse to make crazy life choices and changes in a split instant?" I wondered, while looking in from outside.
For any of you who have not hit this half way to 90 marker, I will offer up a few insights, from the inside of the experience. First, let me be perfectly clear on one fine point. I was going along, quite well convinced I understood my life, choices and personal motivations. I thought I knew where I had been, where I was going, how to get there, and what changes to make. I opened my businessTrailblazing Transformation, back on 9/9/09, and thought I had it all mapped out. I put my art making life aside, to focus on the soul arts. I found my way to one circle of friends, amongst many, a local circle of Starseed Fringe Friends, who questioned all the same perplexities of Earth Life, and Human Culture, as I did. This circle opened the way to a global circle of Starseed, Seers, Creatives, Healers and Wayshowers, that share an uncommon, unifying vision. In fact all of my community experiences, reading, writing, art, music, healing and awakening adventures, have added up to expose a grander picture, a unified whole, where we are one, and share relatedness, beyond human life, Earth life, cultural identifications, and much of what we are taught.
My recent year was splendid, alighted by such adventures, epiphanies, marvels and more. It felt like a year of experiencing worlds within worlds, within worlds, as new energies, awarenesses, and possibilities expanded into being, in what once camouflaged such expansive levels of truth.
In July, I still thought, "I know who I am, and where I am going. With my highly independent American bravado, I focused on building my business, juggling coveted training, and all the other ducks, one needs to keep in a row, to upkeep life in this capitalist driven, young culture. While my intentions have always included a divinely inspiring primary love relationship, and a soul plan to bring some of the new children, into a conscious, nurturing, creative, joyful, loving family, I was becoming impatient, to say the least! In fact I was eying new age gurus, in those free health food store magazines, and considering hitting one up for biological materials, to jump start the family planning process, on my own.
I was immersing myself, in all my favorite pleasures, including community, creativity, awakening, unity, culture, art & adventures of the soul. In July I toured the Santa Fe International Folk Art Market, where I relished the fine crafts, cultures, and community alike, photographing global folk artists, dancers, musicians, and the patrons who help support their creations. This lead me to connect with one folk artist from Africa, via my photos, the internet, running into each other multiple times in Santa Fe, by phone, and finally, through intentional planning.
By the time that 45 birthday hit, my life view had shifted, to include my new love interest. My logical business plans, temporarily flew out the window, as my new love looked in from a completely culturally unique perspective. Why had I been pouring so much focused attention, into the realm of individual ego problems? Was this paying off, or more of a idealistic volunteering of my good will, to assist friends, on a soul level, out beyond, where our Earth based systems even allow for validation, let alone compensation? Do I posses the gritty, competitive edge, required, to rein in my talents, and line clients up on waiting lists, as do all of my teachers?
Or is there some other outlet for my expressive artist's soul?
I had still been pouring a good amount of energy, into my "safe" old paradigm, hourly wage, art gallery job, in town. Others tell me I need a job, and so I kept listening.
Still upon synching energies with this new love, I felt a rush of all the qualities, buried at the bottom of the treasure chest of my own soul. Here is a gentle spirit, with unrelenting drive, confidence, knowing, and beauty, savvy enough to evaluate what works and what does not, in many worlds, traversed, daily.
In the rush of this knowing, I quickly gave notice at the gallery job, to free up my wings, and fly solo. Then, instead of lining up my clients and flying, I also synched energies with the more private, inward nature, of my new artist love.
My way, prior to the onset of age 45, was to dance between worlds, magnificently open, like a hummingbird, or a butterfly, flitting between beloved friends and family, like a lover to the world.
Sharing in this new love, after a solid five years or so, solo, shifted my comfort zone, back to a deeper focus, zeroing in on one love, enriching each other, heart and soul. Instead of pollinating the world, I came home to cross pollinate, one to one.
Some of my old social circles, fell into a holding pattern, to relaunch, later, after the one to one renewal, breaks open to include larger circles.
My business, instead of blasting open, also took an extended holiday. I had been facilitating deep soul work, which feels almost more like the deepest levels of clearing and awakening, as we experience in other worlds and dimensions. It feels good, to anchor more in this world, and focus on one beloved connection, on fresh foods, and vegetables, on creating in ways that are measurable.
So here I am, thinking for sure I was shooting my arrow to the right, and suddenly landing far left.
I am now evaluating, "in the new energies, what do I want to broadcast out to the multiverse, how, and with whom?" I know I want to birth new children in, and share in building the harmony, that recognizes who we are, and all we bring to contribute.
Having shared in my longest and most rewarding primary love relationship, thus far, with a fellow creative from Africa, I had, up until August, thought I had attempted and not fully qualified for the possibility. I thought I knew who I was, and where I was going.
When I gave up, actively searching for love, love came and found me. We were recruited, and signed on. It feels more natural that the old solo gig. Who am I, and where am I going? I am a universal soul, on a multidimensional journey. I am less interested in setting intentions, and more honored surrendering to the ways of my soul. Who am I? How pompous was I to think I knew all the specifics? I now relish this unknowing, which leads to deeper heart knowing.
So many of us have these beautiful websites, newsletters, so many levels of learning, so much guidance, so many answers.
I sell the art of the Huichol People, in my gallery job, in Santa Fe. They go on a peyote pilgrimage, in their ancient ancestral lands, where they gather and ingest the peyote, which awakens and heightens their unity awareness with all of life. Afterwards, they are guided not to tell of their experience to the others. Instead they still express touchstones of their experience, through the bright, multicolored medium of yarn painting.
At this point, after crossing the border of 45, I feel less interest in reading all the loud shouting newsletters, discourses, and lessons, fellow Earthly teachers feel called to broadcast out. I feel less of a pull to help people transform their problems.
I feel more of a call to surrender to the infinite mystery of our Source Self.
Before I crossed over the abyss to 45, I shared in a SOURCE in Silence Energy session, at the Ark Bookstore, in Santa Fe, with Marcia McCoy. During this session, I set my intention, to surrender to my SOURCE Self, and allow what calls me, from this level, to unfold as my life.
So many changes are now unfolding. I do not feel called to follow any gurus, or join any dogma centered organizations. I am grateful that surrendering, opened doorways into new levels of love. I am grateful to travel the path together with my new beloved. I am grateful to embrace whatever unfolds next. I am grateful to share in ways that enhance all. I am grateful, living open to surrender. I am grateful to not know all the details of who we are, and where we are going. I am grateful to LOVE!
WHO MAKES THESE CHANGES?
Who makes these changes?
I shoot an arrow right.
It lands left.
I ride after a deer and find myself
chased by a hog.
I plot to get what I want
and end up in prison.
I dig pits to trap others
and fall in.
I should be suspicious
of what I want.
-Jelaluddin Balkhi Rumi