Thursday, March 1, 2018

Did my Soul Choose my Parents, All 6 of them?

This impassioned blog entry is copied from a comment I made on a support group I am part of, where individuals are gathered in empowerment, and encouragement, as we are all healing from the human condition, recovering and transforming from Narcissistic abuse in our families of origins. The whole original post was deleted from the group, as it both broke some basic group rules, and also insulted most of the members who took great offense to the article, which I actually mostly aligned with.

Someone in the group posted a link to an article from A.R.E. Edgar Casey's Foundation, entitled "Choosing your Parents," about how as souls, we are assisted by the Angels, in a pre life planning meeting, where we choose our parents. In the group I am a member of, most of the people who commented on the Soul honoring post, were deeply offended, and pained by the concept of souls choosing our parents. I attempt to debunk what I know, hold and research as the truth behind this, even as the article was illegally posted, as per the rules of the group, by someone else.

I wrote this article to shed light on the truth regarding the controversial post under review, and now deleted: "Choosing your parents. " I think I can put it in a context somewhat, without making anyone right or wrong, more from my own experience, wisdom, and training. Some may find healing in my story and awareness, if you allow the whole overview.

I am an adult, adopted, only child. I trained in hypnotherapy and past life regression 25 years ago, after hypnotherapy helped me heal fear held in the body that had developed into chronic pain. Later a friend studied my astrological chart, and noted that these experiences, that of having pain, and finding help, then training as a facilitator of the same tools that helped me, is in my astrological chart. I have trained with 2 + teachers, very famous for their work and books, Dolores Cannon and Dr. Brian Weiss. They have many videos on youtube, and Brian Weiss has appeared twice on Oprah. The sessions I have received, have given me a lot of deep answers, from the SOURCE within.

I met a ThetaHealer, work I am now trained in also, at one of my hypnotherapy and past live regression training sessions. She had intuitive/psychic abilities. She was kind of giving away free guidance, as she tuned into Creator and the Angels, through the Creator. I sat at an outdoor dining table, in Austin Texas, and asked her my Soul's purpose. What she said was profound. She said, "You've experienced a lot of abandonment, and if that's all it was for, it would make for a pretty depressing life. Yet that's not all it was for. As a soul, you set all this up, so you could eventually find spiritual tools and processes that help you transform your trauma, leading you to master those tools, to help others through their trauma."

A few more brief points. I agree that the way this author of the article speaks, could really come off as offensive to people in the West, who don't share in a solid belief of an eternal soul, reincarnation, life purpose, life as a school for our soul, and so on. The author describes it in a kind of simplistic way. My teachers have shared some wonderful insights on how this stuff works, as thousands of clients/explorers have shared through their sessions. The soul is whole, and choses from a very unlimited perspective. It's never intending pain for the sake of pain, punishment, etc. So a far more down to earth description to me is that it's more like theater.

Throughout my life, my Mom and her friends were in a theater troupe, and put on musicals and plays. To me our soul is the actor and actress, who is willing to forget who we truly are, whole, a ray of God's love, divine and connected to all of life. I am told this is one of the most complex planets. and that we are all billions of lifetimes old, not just on Earth. One reason people sign on to be challenged by parents who have their own problems is to help end the brokeness, suffering, pain, and abuse in a whole, or multiple lineages.

Sad as it sounds to say it, one might gain great levels of compassion as a soul, living through abuse. They might be inspired to shift the whole lineage and never treat anyone as we were treated. I know it can seem like gaslighting, implying that life is, " just a play!" And still you get to decide and research if you buy into such possibilities. I am trained in a process, and have received hypnotherapy where we visit the soul's life planning meeting, and ask questions like, "What did I sign on to teach to, and learn from each parent?" I was adopted so my session took twice as long.

In addition to having a birth mother, and a biological father, my adoptive father remarried twice, so that makes a total of 6 parents, including my 2 step mothers.

I signed on to learn what someone very earth based sees reality to be, to help me learn about the Earth plane, while I am so very at home in the soul, and soul realms, and much less so in physical limitations. I came to remind my mom that we all are souls. My dad and I both are here with a more grace based love, reminding each other that we are gifted each gifted, accomplished, creative souls! I believe my Mom and I love each other dearly, as souls. Yet on Earth, I mostly want to get the hell away from her, because she is so deeply at war within herself. I believe that Borderlines and Narcissists forget God and the Spirit and Soul realities. That is a huge part of their pain and trauma.

I am taking steps, and receiving support to root myself back in enough wholeness, joy, strength, and love to be able to love and enjoy myself fully, to in turn enjoy and love my Mom as exactly who she is. She has not been able to do this within herself, for herself, in this lifetime. How was she to teach me about something that eluded her so?

In the meantime my own wholeness is taking precedence, as I reboot, stepping up into a whole new chapter of who I am, and what I am here to create, catalyze, receive, allow, and share.

One more piece of the puzzle. Dolores Cannon, my hypnotherapy teacher, in her 19 books and hundreds of lectures and interviews on youtube, was told, lost information, as we connect with the SubConscious mind, while in the deepened, Somnanbulistic state, otherwise known as trance or hypnosis, specifically QHHT, Quantum Healing Hypnosis Technique, which answers life questions and administers healing, in clients. They/we have revealed that all along, and especially after WW2, that the beings who watch over Planet Earth, saw that the people
on Earth were warring and nearing the possibility of destroying life on Earth and the planet with destructive repercussions, rippling out into the cosmos. 

Indigenous elders and seers, and later what was described as "the three waves of volunteers, are beings from the higher dimensions, from the stars, who were called in to help steward us into an age of peace love and harmony. Maybe we are all part of that group of volunteers. Maybe we are the ones who said, yes I would be willing to forget my connection to God, and be born into families filled with forgetting, fear, pain, internal warring, and abuse, so that I can reach a point, where I say, "It ends with me!" 

I joke with people who relate to this, and come and find me, as friends and or as clients/explorers. I say, if we volunteered here, to embody love, and heal humanity, then it would have been a waste, to incarnate into a super healthy joyful, harmonious family. There are children all over the world, now who at age 2, 3, 4 and 5 retain memories from past lives in all cultures and skin colors, that are being verified, when researched. 

Many religions and cultures have prophesies about the New Earth and time of Heaven on Earth that is to come, and is in process of birthing itself, through us, right now. I believe we are all a part of that. I respect and honor if this does not fit with your beliefs. Most of my hypnotherapy teachers, including Bill Thornton, who was originally a fire and brimstone Baptist Minister, held no beliefs in past life regression, before clients spontaneously opened into such memories, and or they regressed to past lives, in their own training!

Thank you for allowing me to shed light on a complex topic that is so near and dear to my heart.  

The moderator of the group I am in, contacted me privately and explained that the private group on a major social media network, is a support group, and not a recovery group.  

So my rights and freedom to communicate on their virtual wall, got temporarily banned.

So here I am, sharing freely, where I am the main soul allowing my truth, wholeness, fullness, experience, and knowing, without ridicule, condescension, limitations, or conflict!

Thank you for opening up to my truth.



Thursday, January 25, 2018

Seeing and Outgrowing Wounding Familial Patterns of Narcissistic Abuse

Tonight I found this old rattled post of mine, from January 25th, 2017, one year ago today.

It couldn't be more timely. Even though I invested 2 or so recent years in therapy, and have invested much of my adult life both receiving, training in, and facilitating multiple soul based forms of therapy and healing arts, I still struggle with my life long, now aging Adoptive Mother, and her warring, fearing, volatile need to control, flip roles on me her adult daughter, and attack me with spontaneous bouts of volatility, rage, aggression, fear, hysteria, and projections.

This year I have been stepping back and reviewing the taxing toxic nature of her relationship with herself, and how she projects the absolute worst of it onto me, unconsciously casting me in the role of Scapegoat, to gain something experts in the field call Narcissistic Fuel, Narcissistic Feed, Narcissistic Supply, or some say, simply complete obliteration. When you learn about the mechanics of Narcissism, its limitations and ill health really grow more predictable, and in many ways ridiculous.  Still the pain and poison of the often unconscious cycle continue to debilitate and hurt those still caught in the Narcissist's web, and the Narcissist herself, lives, pained, poisoned, trapped, alone, and hurt, in part due to her own lack of self esteem, confidence, value and worth.  She pretends to be something she's not, yet never really feels or believes her own act fully.

Due to her inner lack, she cannot fully open to love, thus she casts people in the roles of her un-lovables, and her non-lovers, all merely projections of the hate she feels within.

Today I received a hand written letter from a close relative with Narcissistic Borderline Personality Disorder. It complimented me, and then added, "however," and... kind of almost validating and then invalidating, went on issuing commands, demands, and a flowery look-outside-of-me... to see evidence of how I must let myself be defined externally and comply, to meet the narcissists' needs... kind of edict. It had a compelling edge and tone, written on some pretty, perky, dark pink, 30 year old stationary.

I knew it did not actually see me, it's as far from my truth as is possible, that it isn't actually about me, etc. Still it confused me and made me crave a healthy witness & guide.

So I googled a phrase that would give away too much info if I stated it here, which included "how to set boundaries with .... *.... narcissistic ....'s!"

*Narcissistic Mothers

So much helpful info came up. I read at least 6 short articles. I was reminded, they can't really see, hear, acknowledge or love you, so stop seeking these needs out from them. They don't know where they end & I begin. Explaining any of this to them will not help or translate.  Their self esteem is not strong enough to take any of this in.  It's a threat to everything they present themselves to be.

My best course is setting firm boundaries, seeing their behaviors as an illness, not expecting healthy or normal responses, not raging for lack of love, not explaining my side, as they are incapable of seeing, valuing, or validating me as separate. Also learned to look back at my history of relating to the Narcissistic Borderline Personality Disordered relation & grab hold of whatever has worked in past.

Thank you oh great Goddess Google, and all the brilliant wise women & people who post such helpful guidance & articles there.

I will not get dragged under the bus of mentally ill "needs" and criticism, conditional almost love, nor my own triggered emotions, to tests like these.  If I do I will drag myself out, or reach out to a neutral healthy friend or family member, to help ease me back out.

As for the Narcissist in my life. You are at times compelling, however I overall don't believe or trust you and your life history of cases against me, any more than Mr. Trump's against the world. Grateful I know I am not you. Grateful I have discovered love directly within, health, transformation, and a lifetime of my own unique successes!

Grateful for help, not to project such unquenchable need and burdens back on myself, nor onto my relationships and world.

Recently, as a "good daughter" treated and attacked like a bad one, I have spontaneously reviewed my primary parental relationships.  One night it felt almost like two vertical towers, one holding records to my relationship with my Father, and one holding memories and jarring emotions from my Mother.

Even while I know this clearly mentally, emotionally it still feels startling.  I review my life long relationship with my Dad, and really everyone else I am currently connected with as friends and or family.  As I do, it's pretty clear, balanced, healthy, and problem free.

Then I review the recent year, previous years, times I have been in crisis, times my Mom has been in crisis.  In this review, this very tall tower of sorts of records, holds countless debilitating episodes, memories, outbursts, and minefield like dramas and wars.

I sit back, look, and see clearly, I may occasionally react, or get triggered, or sucked into war games within, or with others.  Yet it is not really my chosen lifestyle to live on the offensive, bombing family and friends with verbal and emotional attacks.

Yet many times when either my Mom is under pressure, or I am under pressure, she quickly moves into the offensive position, and I am forced into a defensive position only, or occasionally I emotionally track or mirror her, and join her in offense, still always to defend, against her offense.

I am more empathic, and she is the only one left in my life who allows herself to treat me in these out of control, outlandish, abusive ways.  She's the only one in my life, who still treats her self in such ways.

No one else holds their pain over me in such an attack, blame, shame, powerless, scared, high stakes drama sort of a way.  No one!

This year my Mom played the whole game out, almost word for word, the same as last year.  In fact when I moved across the country, leaving her to steep in her own poisonous juices, over 30 years ago, it was around this time of year.  The coldest driest, most gray time of year.

The tired needy rhetoric is the same.  I called to listen, consult, and help her yesterday, and fire bombs of attack launched: "You need to" and "A daughter should" "Well you knew this and you should have that, a whole week ago," and "you've never apologized to me in your whole life..." and worse.  A lot of "you don't love me" style stuff.  I literally blocked a lot of it out, because there was nothing new in her repertoire.  My mother was literally an actress throughout most of her life.  Still she hung up on me, when I spoke any words in relation to my side of the fence.  She hung up, coldly commanding me not to yell, as my voice raised, in the heat of her inflammatory accusations.  Then she yelled at and criticism bombed me.  Then she refused to answer, several more times.

I have no rights, no say, no validity, no nothing, with her.  It's sick, sick, raging, and war filled.  

I have been told over and over that I can't change her.  Yet as I get help, work on myself, learn healthy limits, and grow, I am not the same as I was, and can not simply allow this.

In the circles of Daughters and Adult Children of Narcissistic Mothers and Parents, the healthy, and often only solutions are No Contact, or Low Contact.

My Mother is 85, and No Contact seems kind of harsh.  When one has been treated all one's life by a Narcissistic Parent, as the bad, wrong, stupid, valueless, Scapegoat, then low or no contact make that adult child even more bad, wrong, unloving, stupid, valueless and blame worthy.  Unfortunately it's a real no win, no win set up.

It's a no win, because, based on her low self esteem, when I pull back to experience health, the Narcissistic Adult Mother internalizes all the bad, wrong, stupid, undeserving, unlovable, valueless, helpless, hopeless, unloved feelings and beliefs, that she needs to project, scapegoat and or source out, to survive.

Narcissists can be very dangerous to their own selves, and their so called love ones.  They attack their children to get validation, and to steal some kind of love, they do not feel soft enough to open to, let alone consistently offer out, or share.

I want to tell her, your true legacy to me is disconnection, helplessness, hopelessness, Complex PTSD, brokeness, poison, and the painful instinctual responses I grab for of fight, flight, freeze, deaden, break, burden, buried rage, sadness and sickness.  As long as I keep the Narcissist in my life, I carry heightened toxic levels of feeling, sadness, doubt, shame and pain, that hold nothing useful for me, and potentially lead to the same deadly disorder.

I want to tell her, if you really love me, you would not love me.

Or if you really love me, get some help to find balance and love within your own self, without me.

Yet I don't have those options.

So I take a little more time out, take a few more steps back in, into trust, into myself, and back into the life she has so deeply taught me to hate and fear, and the self she has taught me to distrust, attack, blame, shame, hate and berate.

None of this is actually mine.  I came here to transform all of this, step by baby step.  I came here to safely show up as me, and share this with healthy friends and relatives.

Yet I can only transform my side of the equation.  These are some of the supercharged road blocks, I came here to masterfully maneuver.  I am not the Mommy, God, savior, therapist, parent, wife or husband of my Narcissistic Mother.  If she wants real help, may she go out and find it.  

This year I am stepping up to serve my own life. I am showing up to co-create my own success. Those are my only options.

A lot of years I  served others, while negating, and ignoring myself, as I was trained to. I reached a breaking point with this three years ago, and can't operate this way anymore.

I have hidden from life, as if life is my Narcissistic Mother, in recent years, because for years, and throughout our childhoods, thats what Narcissistic Mothers taught us. We were in no position to question it, as we had no clue there were any other sort of mothers out there. That's sick, dangerous, and ultimately not at all even about me.

I came here to be free, to be this gift, to be this blessing.  I will no longer go down silently to this consistently offensive force.  She overall doesn't even see me.  Still life invites me into ourselves.  Life sees and loves me, as I see and love life.

I wish my Mother well, and hope she lines up a life that truly feeds, helps, serves and loves her.  

And this projection on me, that I am to be this all giving life, love, and savior to her, has run it's course.  She can have it back, without me in it.

This lack pit, has no truth for me anymore.  She can have it, trade it, refurnish it, or upgrade it!

I'm trying something new this round.  I'm being me, for me.

I feel like My Mom has sucker punched me so many times, on the playgrounds of her war fields, that she's trained me to punch back.

I will not go down in silence this round.

This season, I am here to push back, show up, and be the powerful star I came here as, and equally to fully be!

Saturday, November 25, 2017

In October, February, and August We Become an African Village, Right Here in Santa Fe!

Dear Kamajou Tadfor, Founder of Afreeka Santa Fe, Fiesta Fela, Remembering Mandela and related Local Celebrations of African Culture.

Some of my favorite gifts in life, include global and African culture, music, people, poetry, cuisine, arts, dance, and community.  Warm people, indigenous culture, great food, and glorious landscapes beckoned me to live in Beautiful Santa Fe, after visiting over 20 years ago.  As a Santa Fe local of 18 years, it has been a similar set of qualities I've cherished, through attending seven solid years of Afreeka Santa Fe's Annual Fiesta Fela Celebration.

Fiesta Fela, from its inception has gathered the community in revelry, cultural pride, savory flavors, colorful fabrics and head wraps, live beautiful rhythms and dances of Africa.  The celebration centers around Fela Kuti, whom I was blessed to know and love, across the world from Africa, and even see and hear live, in Berkeley California, nearly thirty years ago. The experience of that live concert was like no other live music concert or presenter, I had ever experienced.  It lives on inside me.

I am grateful to you Kamajou Tadfor, your Family and large community of Friends.  One year the festival kept a large community of familiar guests dancing into the night, at El Museo de Cultural.  Every year the event grows and changes in ways that always inspire, uplift and yes, surprise the community.

We count on you and our Community to come out and shine, via vendors of authentic African food and drinks, Nigerian Batik Arts, Fine Artists, visiting artists, West African Vendors of clothing, art, drums, jewelry, and more, from the Motherland.  There are always some new variety of fine crafts, treasures, specialty drinks, foods, snacks and more.  This year friends and I gathered at Chef Ahmed's mobile Jambo Food Truck, for the yummiest African Cuisine and drinks around.  

The event itself, featuring African Dancers, Master Drummers, Activist Poetry, Music of the African Diaspora, North African Belly Dancers, lifts our spirits from morning, through mid day, and all the way to sunset.  I don't think I've ever gone straight home after dancing, dining, and shopping my way through all of it.  I even one a series of passes to yoga classes at Body, two years in a row.  So many local and visiting friends gather each year for the festival, that a tradition grows, where we keep the celebration going long into the night, as we continue, often in restaurants and bars, a mere walk from the Railyard. 

On more than one Fiesta, I have welcomed new African American guests to the event, and remained friends, after they live in Santa Fe and move on.  It's always endearing to see, meet, and greet the people, who just happen by, on the event.

The artist who come and paint paintings, or sculpt live sculpture out of clay, astound guests, as their art grows energized from the music, admirers, and community alike.  Dean Howell has sculpted impressive, monumental heads African Heads, three years in a row.  This year the human theme was replaced by an endangered rhinoceros!

Some years the Tarnoff Art Center has set up easels, tables, painting and drawing supplies, and even pottery wheels and instruction, all for free.  This year the Inspiration Squad hosted by Artist Laura Tarnoff, hosted a booth featuring our art and artists, as Laura masterfully juggled the music, community gathering, and live painting all in one day.  I brought and showcased original abstract, yet between meeting new guests, socializing, eating, dancing and photographing the fun, I never touched brush and paint to a canvas.  And that was perfectly fine with me.  Sponanaity is the essence of the heart of the day.  So I let it all show up as it did.  And now I'm filled with inspiration to pour into my next painting and projects.

This year's highlights included the most colorful sea of trees backdrop I can recall in years, opening with The Swank's Brothers playing a rousing set, including an supremely funky rendition of Manu Dibango's Soul Makossa.  The band from Haiti made me want to bilocate, to be in the food line, and the dance floor simultaneously.  The final headliner Zimbabwean band, Prince Kudakwashe Musaruwa and the Main Ingredients of African Soul, stirred all the hearts around, activating souls and the main outdoor dance ground alike.

The event is a true treasure.  I always love to donate to the event, yet love inviting guests to attend for free, as free is how it is presented.

Grants, gifting and donations help make the event the true success that it is.  One of the most magical moments this year, was when our dear friend Kirsten Wing's name was called as the winner of a most gorgeous, original, hand dyed, batik quilt, by Yoruba Artist Rafiu Mustapha of Raf Remi Art.  This had a lot of special meaning, symbolizing new life crossroads opening to this friend, who has newly rooted in her dream community, right here in Santa fe.

It was beautiful singing and dancing along to Nigerian Master Drummer and local Santa Fean of countless years, Akeem Ayanniyi and his local band of African Drummers.  We contributed our joy, often, in call and response, as you, Kamajou, Akeem, and others shouted out, every body say "Yeah, Yeah"... "Yeah Yeah!"

We missed the friends and family, who came every year, yet now live outside of Santa Fe.

Joy was generously shared by all.  Friends who came for the first time, were surprised, at all the years they'd missed.  To attend one Fiesta Fela event, a Remembering Mandela Gathering, or even an impromptu African Rhythms DJ Dance Party, is to want to attend all offerings Afreeka Santa Fe Offers.

What grand expressions of your welcoming, generous, infinite African Heart for the Arts and the People.  We may not be Africa officially.  But for one, two, or three days a year, the Santa Fe Railyard, or some inspiring location becomes a glorious, beautiful, friendly African Village, and we all leave with our hearts, souls, eyes, ears, feelings, and bellies smiling, satisfied and full!  We take this out and spill it over, into local community, family, and friendships alike, better for every precious moment of the festivities!

In Grace, Joy, Love and Gratitude.

May what you have created, collaborated, and set into motion, continue for countless years to come.  People come and go in Santa Fe.  May Fiesta Fela, and the triumphant Spirit of Fela Himself, live on in the people, here and everywhere!

Ever so much thanks.   My spirit is forever renewed each time we share in this grand day!

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Love This Book, These Gifts, This Author, and This Guidance!

My Five Star Book Review of Lisa A. Romano's Memoir "The Road Back to Me," on

Thank you yet again, Lisa A. Romano.  You really came through for yourself!  And in doing so, you really came through for me and so many of us, via sharing your gifts, guidance, learning, and journey.

Grateful you are such a generous Spirit, in Form.  I see you as the Beautiful Angel you are, daring this tough mission on the Earth Plane, to come through the hidden challenges with flying colors, sharing such raw open truth.

Now, to my fellow future readers, and allies on the road back to full true selfhood:  Lisa has a lot to share.  Her book "The Road Back To Me," is delightfully easy reading.  In fact it feels like attending a cozy slumber party in your pajamas, with an old friend.

I am Lisa's age peer, and an adopted daughter of 4 lineages +, nature and nurture, of Narcissistic Borderline Personality Disorder, BiPolar Disorder, Depression, Addiction, and I suspect, feel and know: sexually predatory abuse to my Birth Mother, in the home, where I was programmed in the womb, for this life.

While I have written two books in two "Write Your Book in a Weekend," accelerated workshops, in recent years, reading Lisa's book helps me see the pitfalls, I have faced, being raised to have no self, no healthy self, and to see, feel, hear, and perceive other people's needs as somehow more valid than, or winning out over my own.  In fact, ironically, Lisa's book helped me see more clearly the whole all too human pattern, of being covertly required to lose one's self, to accommodate other maladaptive, wounded, shut down, checked out parents, and behaviors.  Lisa's life story helps me shed light on why at 52 years of age, in 2017, I am still learning how to figure out what I need, want, and choose, and how to shift old sick internal patterns to better, step by step, find my "Road Back to Me!"  Her book helps me see, and make sense of why I got so shut down, traumatized, and wounded, facing, avoiding, and detangling from my own Narcissistic Mother wounding.  Her book helps me see why I have not yet published, or even read the 2 books I wrote, under the tutelage, of a Book Whisperer/Author who's birthday season it now is.


I had already begun to explore, and gain healing and guidance from Lisa A. Romano's prolific outpouring of outstanding YouTube support videos, for Adult survivors of Narcissistic Abuse.  Today after completing her book, I went on-line, and discovered a set of 19 Guided Healing Meditations on YouTube, all with very specifically tailored foci.  That's when Lisa jumped from a human who struggled, transformed, awakened, progressed, and on her way, created countless classes, workshops, books, YouTube Videos, a Facebook Support Group, and more for the millions of us, who face our own flavor of these, all too familiar challenges, to Full Blown Angel Incarnate, in my view!

Her book eloquently draws you, the reader in, to experience her life, as if side by side, as she faces torments, ignorance, bullying, scapegoating, blind eyed "love," and worse, at the hands of her, friends, romantic, and life partners, her own self, and her parents, who, while nice, hard working people, likely, seemed to have missed the parenting 101 courses, most of humanity also missed out on, one way or the other.

Lisa A.

Lisa guides readers on an epic, "Alice in Wonderland," like journey, from seeming normalcy, down into the underbelly of the beast, that is the American Dysfunctional Family System.

She does an amazing job of expressing all the layers from, oblivious denial of reality, to her own personal flavors, of the bizarre adaptive behaviors we end up making to survive oddly preoccupied, unaware, conditionally loving, judging, fearing, controlling, shut down, closed off parents.

While my experiences were different, in may cases, I saw myself mirrored very precisely, in so many moments and details of her journey.

Knowing this confident, exuberant, expressive, successful, beautiful adult Wayshower, through her on-line presence, it is shocking to travel through her trials and travails in youth, as she experiences betrayal, emotional, and verbal abuse, as she was molded to, from early on.

She does a beautiful job of reminding you of just how oblivious to their abuse, the abusers can be.

She brings hope to many, as she somehow finds truth, help, support, validation, and guidance, on her way to become a Light Beacon of this and more, for so many of us.

Without giving away too many precious details of the reading experience, I simply recommend this book highly, to anyone who is, or has been human, and or raised by fallible, awkward, shutdown humans themselves!

This powerful gem of a guide book, is both a roadmap, a friend, a gift, a treasure, and a key, helping us find our way through so much madness, back to the light left always shining within.

It will fluff your feathers, warm your heart, and open doors on your journey, if you open your attention and simply allow it in.  This book comes wired with unconditional love, raw experience, profound wisdom, and a familiar sense of humor and triumph.

It's sort of like reading your own youthful raw journal, only it's published, her own, and offers some sort of resolution, and personal revolutions, that can be hard to find in one's own, unedited, unpublished journals.  Many of mine were so raw, I unfortunately judged them, tore them to pieces, and threw them away.  Lisa reminds us that we have access to those chronicles, whether saved, destroyed, ripped to shreds, discarded, or salvaged.  

Lisa is a living guide, who knows her terrain.  Her unquenchable curiosity, empathy, and drive rewards all who are drawn to don some flannel pajamas, and climb into the sleeping bag, by her side.  The party is growing bigger and brighter.  Jump in, and be sure to invite some of your friends! Misfits are welcome!

If you've ever wished, "if only I could change this parent, boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, boss, government official, or spouse!" this book will cheer you onward, to a most empowering disillusionment, that helps you see, how irrelevant, impossible, and irreconcilable those pipe dreams truly are.  Instead you will laugh and cry your way back home, where you are seen, heard, felt, known, possible, probable, and yes, cherished, valued, valid, and lovable!

Map of the Narcissist

All that in a life story!

Get the book.  You won't be able to put it down, or read anything else till you finish!

That was my experience.

Much Thanks and Love on the road home, Lisa.

Looking forward to exploring my transformation through more of your tools, gifts, contributions, books and guidance, on the way to unleashing and opening my own, and of course to sharing you with friends and clients alike!


Namaste Dear One(s)!

Artist & Soul Artist Jen Klarfeld

Jen Klarfeld
Artist and Soul Artist 
Lead Trailblazer at Trailblazing Transformation
Santa Fe, New Mexico

P.S. Hugs and praises.  What an awesome slumber party shared!

P.P.S.  Somewhere I read or heard you joking about how you must be an Alien, because you sure felt like it, in your family!  I am trained in Dolores Cannon's Quantum Healing Hypnosis Technique.  If you ever prioritize listening to Dolores lecture on YouTube, "The Three Waves of Volunteers and the New Earth, or read her book, by the same title, or any of her 19 published books of hypnotherapy transcripts, you may find you feel a special affinity for our Galactic Heritage, as well as the sheer mastery and courage we Volunteers brought into this kooky, crazy, beautiful, terrible, war filled, karma based, quarantined, experimental, ghetto of a free will based planet!

P.P.P.S.  I am currently taking a giant leap of faith, involving art and soul, in Santa Fe.  I hope to soon carry some of your books side by side with those of my other favored teachers, including Dolores and Julia Cannon, and Vianna Stibal!

Graced and Grateful!  

- Jen

Thursday, October 26, 2017

Life Review

October 26, 2017 - Santa Fe, New Mexico

Reviewing and sharing this inspiring Facebook post I wrote 3 days before my life & body jarring fall off a ladder, last year. 

Grateful to be healed, over all. 

The last 2 years has been initiatory in ways I never fully realized I had to be this strong to traverse, survive, feel, move through, gather support, and keep taking steps, through all my giant human fears, and commitments, financial, emotional, business, calling, Soul and life challenges!

It’s been really hard, and really rewarding, being single, being mostly visionary, and often attempting to grow and sustain my life and serve, while living in a business prioritizing world and nation, so fueled by predatory systems, and people. I have shut myself down a tremendous amount, in pure survival, while still keeping my my practice alive, and taking precarious steps, often alone, to birth a whole New Earth Vision, dream and business, as has been handed to me to allow, build and free.

As an empath, a Starseed, and a survivor of Narcissistic Abuse, it’s been harder than I ever bargained for. My heart is tender for all of us, who came into this Earth Plane from our respective homes and travels. I have exceptional gratitude for my Source Self, always steering my way, even when I freeze, fight, fly away, or hide, alone for long periods of transition.

I listened to a phenomenal Starseed Radio Academy Interview of Author Diana Luppi -Zoev Jho, last night, while taking grounded steps to prep my new downtown studio space.

Diana is the author of E.T. 101 an amazing manuel for Earthlings, and for the brave Starseed beings, who quite literally came in to shift millions of human lineages up out of trauma, war, abuses, enslavement and more.

You don’t have to be a specific race or color to shoulder the pain of human discord. We all came in and share in carrying, clearing, transforming, and witnessing the madness that’s passed for the shared human experience. Without music, we might not have been able to rise like the phoenix uplifting us all!

Suffice to say, I learned to put on a tough warrior stance to make it this far. The smiling, original, party-going, caring, dancing, trailblazing, perceptive, visionary, ever networking, creative socialite face I show the world, is not my whole experience. I battle my shadow, fear, shame, blame, doubt, and inner turmoil daily. In fact I bless it. It’s a huge part of this compassion school. 

This recent two years have brought tests and many ignored obligations for me to face and remedy somhow, as spiritual being, mainly a soul, in my experience. I am visiting this world, yet again, and steeped in material culture, pitched to us as evolution. Yet this world is a ghetto in our Multiverse, filled with systems, patterns and people at war within, and projecting war, parasitic patterns, predatory behaviors and huge covert predatory systems.

Learning, embodying, and voicing the deeper truth of who we are, is the bridge, solution, prize, guidance and answer to the call and response... hide and go seek, God Source forgetting our fullness, forgetting our divine feminine majesty... game!
In the recent years, I had to slow down and feel
my human fallibility, my limitations, and my real feelings. I have not finished yet. 

I also feel called to experience, express, enliven and enjoy my holy divine innocence.

Making room for all of this... for joy, simplicity, love, friendship, play and service.

Stepping out of the shackles I’ve lived, worn, carried and inherited within lineages, has been quite the formidable task. We’re stripping these binds away, together.
It’s quite the game, and quite the dance.

I don’t always know how to get from here to there, down here. And still here I am, opening to allowing the integration back into my true, new, fullness.

What a wild game of make believe.

I feel my strength slowly bounding back to me.

Easing into the ripeness, many know me by, to embody it directly for me.... to let my way be led from within, by Grace, through love, and with Heart.

It’s been surprisingly jarring, on many fronts. A shamanic dismemberment for the whole world.

What a Team I have embracing, uplifting and helping in our grand upshiftment!

Graced, awed, shocked, alarmed, and cheered, in deep Grace, Faith and Unity...Beloved Rainbow Warriors!
I love you Wild Team. 

What tough, brave and tender loving stuff we’re made of!

I love you! 💕❤️😘

October 26, 2017 Santa Fe, New Mexico

Hello Beloveds!

I just want to share some giant encouragement & say: hold on to your hats... !

Change is hitting this ripe and ready planet at such high levels.

Three friends have flown the coop of Earth, recently, leaving tears and love on their beautiful wakes!

The gifted are exploding with gifts, injustices all rising into the light of transparency and scrutiny, and people facing the tough shadow stuff, we're facing it head on, fast and furious, as is our Mother Earth!

Hearts are expanding, while imbalances once tolerated, are are no longer supported or allowed, as our truth rises ALOUD!

The Multiverse is watching, supporting, cheering us on, and eagerly drawing closer, as we awaken & blast open and off into our full "ON" settings!

Keep your humor levels on high, and your super compassion accessible, free flowing, and shared.

These are fantastic times for birthing your full heart and soul, right here.

Feel free to remind me of any of this, as we move forward!
Who loves you dearly?

I do!

Plus an infinite array of light beings and inter-dimensional winged ones! We all love you too!

Stay blessed.

Keep loving, cherishing, relishing, valuing, treasuring and seeing each unique, beautiful, bold living being!
I know it feels like we're being thrown under the bus, several times a freakin day!

Yet keep surfing it, my cherished friends and family.
And if you feel like you can't freakin handle it, call in your angels, unseens, galactics, ancestors, tree spirits, tree huggers, power animals, beings who have not actively fucked up this planet... beings who have... whatever works for you!
Know that I love you, and I am so so so blessed, and I am lifted up on my highest wings, in sharing this beguiling, mad, passionate journey with you all!

Thanks for being my Love Team!
What Courageous Souls we all truly are!!!
I salute each and every shining one of you... and every large and small act of love, and change you each live through and bring, in the awakening of divinity within this family of humanity.

You are precious to me. 

Know that forever!!!

And to the sensitive souls that had to use their break out of jail cards early... I sure treasure you dearly. Enjoy the extraordinary show on Earth.

Our commitment is to turn the love vibrations high... and abolish the war vibration so we'll, that you'll be first in line to birth into this planet of love and bliss, cause that's our manufacturing plan for the now and future!

x o x o

Heart Opening Amidst Shared #MeToo's

October 16, 2017, 11:47 PM

My heart ❤️ is really spilling over, not because I am openly sharing my personal accounts of countless experiences of sexual harassment, being flashed by naked male strangers and friends, the uninvited unzip, date rape, attempted rape and more... as I am also reading countless accounts of mostly women, yet a few brave male friend’s posts too... my heart is spilling over, feeling the shift into this, our new world, 🌎 where 5 million women, and men are sharing our experiences around interfacing with sexual predators, and the accompanying trauma we’ve lived with and through, every day. Social situations are & can be an intense and jarring experience. And I’ll tell you now, that on-line dating has had it’s share of PTSD provoking moments as well, for me. 

According to Facebook, "4.7 million people around the world have engaged in the 'Me Too' conversation on Facebook in solidarity with victims of sexual assault and sexual harassment." 

All this in the last 24 - 48 hours, and it’s spreading to France, and next... anywhere & possibly everywhere this transparency catches fire!

As a single woman, I like that a prospective date can google me, and see how boldly outgoing I am, and know that if he has sexual predator skeletons in the closet, prison records, and name changes, attempting to cover up these tarnishes to his record, I’m likely a huge flight risk.

One of the last men on a spiritual singles site, I met, actually had changed his name to hide his criminal record as a sexual predator. He had not been caught raping anyone. Yet he was on a lifetime probation of sorts, having to check in with the police and get a new mug shot annually, for multiple charges of exposing his personal pride and glory to a couple of female children. On an early phone call, he became very volatile with me, and then attacked my dietary choices. In the heat of the turbulence, me and my angel team, got him to spill forth more of his real names.

I am grateful I was protected in such an amazing bizarre way, which led to his true identity and police records. At the same time I have compassion for the human being whom I met, and his African American lineage, where brutality, abuse, and rape was likely introduced over generations, through America's history of slavery. I would not publicly expose his names, yet the story is profound. I was attempting to help a friend see the danger in her, now terminated relationship, with her, admittedly dangerous felon partner, as her friends & family exposed to me his same pattern of several name changes, to dodge and hide his criminal history.

I am moved by the reality that some men are already standing up in protection of us women, and some revealing predatory, or harassment activities, they joined peer pressure, into participating in.

As a ThetaHealer a Past Life Regression Hypnotherapist, and a facilitator of Dolores Cannon’s QHHT, and one grounded in shamanic journeying, it is an awesome experience to get to assist people through multiple levels of such traumas, healing, feeling old closed down feelings, and more.

Again, my experience is that all people we label as “perpetrators & sexual predators” have some wounding victim experiences in their own past. I’ve experienced more gray space in this exploration, than black and white!
I am completely awed, strengthened and faith filled, trailblazing side by side, hand in hand, with my fellow brave Sisters and Brothers, Family and Friends, clients and associates, who have battled such hardships, traumas, and challenges, of sexual and other forms of abuse. Many to go on to create art and express voices and visions to truly reshape this earth. You people... we people are my hero’s, including Maya Angelou, Oprah Winfrey, Louise Hay, founder of Hay House Publishing, Teal Swan, and Wayne Dyer, who spoke so openly about his alcoholic father. Many abuse survivors go on to become powerful compassionate Healers. I don’t honor it often enough, yet in truth, both of those categories include me. 

Thank you all my peers. Thank you to my Earth brothers Harvey Weinstein, Donald Trump, Bill Cosby, & Bill Clinton, and for fueling our healing!

And hand in hand, got your back, protective, encouraging safety and love, to all my friends and family who have lived through traumas of rape, the spectrum of sexually predatory behaviors, assaults, mugging, harassments, emotional, verbal, physical, and narcissistic abuses, and war.

To me, when I look at the outrageous corruption, in all the major systems on living Mama Gaia, I see we still live amidst systems that are crazed travesties of predatory expressions of war.

When my vegetarian, vegan, artist, teacher Friend Pamela recently expressed her deep secret views, fears, sensitivities and research into what is sick and out of balance about the meat & livestock industry, I was really mad, shocked, and defensive. I still enjoy an omnivorous diet. In fact for me as an adoptee, food and meat are a form of security.

Yet after some awkward shared on-line debates with Pam, even though I am still eating meat, of all varieties, I did get a big "aha," that our current meat consumption in America, & beyond, as well as the mistreatment of billions of animals, drugged, imprisoned, and treated inhumanely, until death by slaughtering to feed, billions of habitual carnivore humans like me, is still really a crude expression of war, more than a conscious, kind celebration of life.

So in closing, this wild vulnerable explosion💥 of truth around sexual abuses, has been, and continues triggering a mass cleansing of human Earthly souls! It’s opening us all up together, which is really the richest and most healing surprise. Like the natural disasters, this is uniting us beyond class, color, race and age lines! We’re only getting started.
It feels the Woodstock of humanity's sexual abuse, and their/our resulting trauma’s most giant global group therapy ever! And what’s super wild, is how it’s all free!

Hugs and love my mighty Shero’s and Hero’s.
The Goddess is arising!

The giant shame anchoring secret & lie of my life, was that I was the only 14 year old girl on my freshman high school class, feeling both joy and shame, for participating in the exact same kind of sexual experimentation, & coming of age exploits, the boys were taught to seek out, and take pride in, and brag to the world about!

Those days of double standards died today. That’s why I like and love ❤️ us and what we all survived. Because we contributed to the transformation, and to bringing transparency back into vast arrays of this living world. We set ourselves, our histories, traumas, cultures, streets, communities, timelines, and lineages as well as women, men, children, elders and babies... and our world 🌎 free today!

What a grand passage we are initiating, for all, and beyond time!

I feel clear and free, with some residual sadness.
I feel like we’re taking a curtain call & starting a whole new show. Let’s treat each other accordingly! 

I love you ❤️ my brave Family!