|Bobcat photo by Chuck Haznedl found on google from www.ECNCA.org|
I have been enjoying life, love and all, albeit a longer distance love than I have ever agreed to. My life feels rich, abundant, fluid, joyful, and full, except of course for when I forget, fear, or question this!
All my experiences with romantic love have included a mixture of success and failure, attraction and challenges, adoration and aggravation, love and fear, connection and compromise, uplift and heartache. Admittedly, I have tended to leap in without much reservation, or waiting. I am this individual walking along my path, and then I find, or am found by a resonant male suitor, and then, when we agree, we chance to become a "we." I am friendly and easygoing, most of the time, and pleasant... at least I think so! I attract similar qualities in a uniquely, amazing love reflection.
My theories on love, in general include two main points. One is this awareness I have generated from being single far longer than I have been coupled. That is my awareness that individually, or doubled, human emotions, pains, and issues are going to come up. I laugh when people have relationship issues. Can't escape those, I tell 'em. They come up together, or they rise up within one's self, individually. Sometimes crap hits the fan & I yell, at the crap, at the fan, at myself, at life. Other times crap hits the fan, like this morning, when I woke up to find one of the house cats seemed to do some odd new acrobatics, that left some fresh crap on the bathtub wall, about a foot outside the litter box. It was a bit reminiscent of something from the movie "The Exorcist." Sometimes crap hits the fan and I just clean it up. Today I did. My second theory is that anyone human, who finds anyone else, and shares any kind of love, for any length of time, is a highly courageous being, and ought to be commended, despite how the details appear, (before, during and, or...) afterwards.
In romantic relationship, the stakes get a little bigger, the confusions grow, there is this added element of a whole other reflection to share the crap hitting the fan adventure with, as well as all the good feelings, and of course all the love. Yet it is not just the crap of two isolated individuals, yet a whole wild, wooly, live, love and crap making world of influences too.
So I met this fellow human, what we each perceive & experience as a divine human, in fact, and I was feeling really blessed, and even kind of high on the whole adventure, naturally, of course. And I suppose we each focus more on the sweet stuff, than the crap, as we first come together. This is what is know as the honeymoon phase. We both put on our best face, and lift each other up, and love and praise each other together and to friends and family, for finally arriving. Then life kicks in, and we admire each one's strengths, and attempt to be bettered by our differences. We begin to learn all the ways we are uniquely alike, and also all the ways where we are shockingly individual, and have distinctively different ways and motivations, expressions, preferences, and tools for handling life. And at the core, we line up, a lot more than most, in essence. Our motivations seem in harmony, and our goals compliment and hold space for compassion and understanding of each one.
Now bare in mind, all the other love experiments I have grown through, had in common, a beginning, a middle and an end. I suppose I have been on both sides of agreeing on, or being not so in agreement on each of these passages! Some have in fact had multiple ends, beginnings, and ends again. In truth I might have been responsible for inviting more endings than not.
So I feel I have focused on all the dreamy positive stuff, over all, until I haven't, with this new relationship. I have been my best self, in the glow of both our best selves. And with both of us being highly individualized beings, we are used to leaning on our own resources, a lot. So I have let all my shadow stuff come pouring out at odd intervals, like at the consecutive full moons. The moonlight has grown strong, and all my fears and shadow materials come up into this light. And despite all my finest training and spiritual tool kits, I become a challenging creature. I become something more shadowy, and fearing, something less than a full creature of love. My Divine Reflection brings some understanding of astrology, and he even coaches me through it a bit.
Falling into my shadowy pit of fears, I cast some of these at my New Beloved, placing him in a very awkward, and challenging place, as I seem to be surrounded with so many encouraging friends on my path, and he is in a more dire, and challenging environment, on Venezuela. At the beginning, our communications seemed so very divinely inspired. Now I am questioning so much of it, analyzing challenges, questioning life long fears and patterns within my mind, soul and psyche. It is easy for me to assist clients in these areas, as I have more efficient simple, direct tools, than most humans could ask for. I am an artist also, as is my New Beloved, so we have ample outlets to process love, and all the complexities that can arise in romantic love.
I recently skyrocketed into great admiration and appreciation, lamenting other soulful friends for helping inspire me to find this grand love partner. Then I unleashed all my "what if's" or "what if not's" on this one who has poured out so much infinite love into my heart. It's a very human affliction. And like a disease, I have shared it. Fears, human fears, they arise up from the love of who I am, or rather from the forgetting of the love that I am, and beg to be transformed, freed, and released. It's a real busman's holiday for me. I am learning the great lesson, of how to come back to the "I" statement! Most of the time I am good at it, until I am not, then I endanger love, in my life, and in my self, and appear to attack the presence of the (external) one shining all this love into my being.
So I am likely running screwy software, you know old hand-me-down's as I call them, from across the board, from as we call them in ThetaHealing, core belief levels, as in the present lifetime, from genetic lineage belief levels, from past lives, and from the hard drive of my human soul. Four distinct human belief levels, here to help uplift or trip you... me... us!
Yesterday I felt very down, and kind of was craving to hide. In fact I was experiencing a bit of a crisis of power. That is when it happened. One of my greatest internal shamanic powers, appeared outside of me, outside of us. I was home around dusk, as one of my two house cats had the wildest visceral response to a creature, outside, as I had ever seen. I rushed over to see what it was. It was at first glance a large, gold, boxy shaped, unfamiliar neighbor cat. It was up on the coyote fence, just outside my window. Yet the longer I looked, I noticed a weirdly short tail, an oddly tall, boxy, muscular stance and prowess. It was not physically large, yet it's power was grand, uncontainable. I watched as this feline leaped up on the adobe roof, of my art studio. She disappeared, while I could not see her. Then she made another appearance or two. She showed herself to me three different times. I felt very centered, energized, and completely in awe.
Having pushed myself, beyond my comfort zone, running around town, on no food, the day & evening before, after my Sweetheart had e-mailed, feeling a host of undesirable human physical discomforts, & stress in the face of unstoppable social unrest in his country, we had agreed to postpone our already long postponed, weekend video call. I must have rocketed out into self judgement, and a deep host of abandonment issues, as perceived, as trappings of my adoption at birth and two unclaimed weeks out from there. I proceeded to get really into my head and into my fears, and to, well take out all my worst fears and judgements of and for myself, as in being and feeling unreal, and who knows what all else, and I directed everyone of these "what if... what if not's" at this dear Beloved, who has walked this walk of love, and balanced this tightrope of fear projections gracefully already. So, needless to say I had left quite a wake of crap in our path, the previous dusk, from here in my spiritual mecca of Santa Fe.
This full moon, felt about three days long, to me, for some reason... it felt full moonish on Friday, all day and night Saturday, and on into Sunday, when the actual full moon, felt truly calming. I feel like I/we/humanity is in this massive sea change, where we/I can not go back and operate the way I used to, and glimmers are coming through, of what I would love to do, and yet when I take steps to "build it and they will come," I get lost between avoiding the old traps and ways that don't really work anymore, and feeling like I have to recreate heaven and earth, while the job is too big, for one. And then other moments, it is all unfolding, one massive miracle, expanding the next.
So what I instinctively did was I reached out, when I felt like shouting to the world, "my power came to awaken me, outside my window!... My shamanic wild cat, jaguar, leopard, panther, tigress, b'alam power came to me, and beckoned me to come and hunt, prance, prowl and play, to come and dance and make art, and design this glorious life from my instincts, from my connection, from my primal nature!" I wanted to go on facebook, and shout it to the world. Yet in the divine magnificence of such a treasure and a gift, my immediate and best response was to facebook message my Human Treasure, my ragged, ravaged Sweetheart. So I did. I e-mailed and included him in the excitement and co-catalyzed the magic with him. He tuned right in and shared some magic of his own, of recall of some writing he had done about some Mayan Jaguars. And there we caught up our pure heart connection, as we missed out on, the evening before, without the video component. We shared a long strong connection, outside the frays of my earlier full moon avalanche of shadow projections and mood swings. I felt some weird human relief, as if, in opening up the crap-hitting-the-fan, fear deluge, it somehow brought me to a kind of a ground zero, to the real foundation, underneath all the starry, poetic projections.
I guess there had been a questioning from my side, of "can this really be, is this for the best?" My motivation, continues to be, let us both aspire and grow to the best life, love and purpose possible, whether we are an official "WE," or Soul mates who learn and grow together, or Soul Friends that find our way to build a certainty-centered, on purpose, inspiring life together. I am still, two months in, open to allowing the relationship, our Source Selves, and guides, to reveal what it is all about to us. So my frightened, spooked inner child, conscious mind, fear warrior, blasted this sacred creation of ours all to hell. Yet this glorious, most primal of all the shamanic powers, the earthy instinctual magical Mayan Cat came and got us SOUL Snuggling again.
While I would not consciously wish to hurt anyone in my life, least of all my New Beloved One, due to my Soul make up, my deep nature, my emotionally complex comfort zones, my being, and my life's work, as a facilitator of life & soul healing, I must say it felt like progress and some relief to me, to get real about deep psychological shit, even if I did it in the most of offensive ways, humanly possible. I have hurt someone who has loved me very sweetly and deeply, not on purpose, yet in the realms of SELF, that big love seems to play out in. I would not wish to do it again. I will do my best to bless it when I do it again. I will be as compassionate and understanding of the repercussions as possible. And I will have infinite understanding, if and when this Beloved One experiences his own version of his STUFF!
We do not come to Earth wishing to wage wars within, or without, to direct blind rage at anyone, or anything. Yet we run a hodgepodge of wild programs and instincts, of our animal nature, and of the best and worst of God and Man, Goddess and Woman, Warrior, Lover and Child. So bless this adventure. Bless us each and all, in being the best and worst lovers possible. At the very least, we bring no shortage of passion, nor of originality to the game, to the experiment which was founded originally in BLISS.
Me & my Beloved we met in Bliss, we love in bliss, and I projected it up a bit with my shit and fan. But heck, we have newly discovered Abraham Hicks Forking Off Process to see us through: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZFq7wmKwEU So I know in my heart, we are truly empowered, guided and blessed, no question about it! It is my challenge from here forward, to deeply and dearly remember who I am, and treat my Beloved accordingly.
While I am not totally inspired by my actions and projections, I am grateful for where they lead, to co-creative choice, voice and blessings shared!
Did we rush in with a crazy urgency, speed and certainty, before getting to fully know each other as human beings? Of course we did!
I myself, am used to doing a lot of self care, through writing, as inspired my Julia Cameron's "The Artist's Way" Books and processes. This often consists of some pretty private dates with my journals, you know, stuff that ideally, no one else ever really has to read, while I'm embodied on Earth and all. Al similarly deals with the highs and lows of his life through writing, yet often more public, social, poetic, fantasy, heavenly, horror, cosmic, divine, gritty, the whole gamut. He has poetry, writing, art and music as outlets, and shares these quite openly, when and as he chooses.
I realize I met Al two months back, and unconsciously left all my journal writing behind, scrawling down an inspiration or two, pouring much of my attention, love and expression into AL. Yet there is a certain pressure valve, a special appointment with all the layers and facets of my human divinity, and my human feet planted in the mud selves, that got quite ignored. I also have been languishing in letting a lot of my human creations fall by the wayside, stepping back, craving change, craving the kind of divine support I so readily share with people.
So, since my past two consecutive full moon, divine fool, roller coaster rides and projections, I sat down last night, and filled a journal or two, with all my cosmic, divine, Earthly, muddy facets had to vent, observe, say, see and hear! It was kind of scary. I slept on it, and revisited it in the morning. It is fair to say I seem to have a lot more issues with my divine masculine side, than my divine feminine. That's a lot of pressure on me, and any Brave Soul, enthused to leap in to Divine Love and Mirroring with me, right here at the changing of the ways... our Heavenly ReUNION on Mother Earth!
So I salute you, Al, and me, Jen, for taking the daring leap. My doubts and fears have all come into the bright, raging, roaring, loving, laughing, nurturing light of romantic earthly love, before even ever meeting, human to human, lover to lover, face to face. A big part of me is poised to leap up on the adobe roof, and run away, from so much human frailty, vulnerability, problems, brokeness, chaos, and fierce responsibility, encoded in facing my Divine Reflection so immediately. I appreciate insights of fellow artists and light bringers, like Author Jeff Brown, who remind on facebook pages, blogs, articles and books, that sometimes what the new age would have us claim as "projections," are actual valid issues, worries, and concerns worthy of our heart's discernment, not to be brushed off as that stuff I am projecting on, yet another beloved partner.
So here I am, poised at the complex crossroads, lurking, at the tail end of the honeymoon phase, of I don't know exactly what. I have two journals full of praises and wonders, fears and projections, terror, horror, pleasure, courage, and fun hall mirror reflections. Why me, why him, why these patterns, why this ease, why these challenges? I hear my wise teacher Dolores Cannon's voice ringing though my head, "Oh that, that's just human stuff!" I can give up on a fellow human, I can let go a commitment, a job, an external invitation, even a co-commitment, friendship or co-creation. Yet I can not give up on myself. If I do not face and address my sucky human patterns and habits, fears and hiding, rolling over and playing paralyzed, to buy a little time to run away from the stalking powers of who I truly am, with someone whom I love, then I will have to do so regardless. Or I will manifest all the same insanity in myself, and continue to label it other, and rant, scream, scapegoat, bedevil, and blame over full moons to come.
A facet of my self wants to dice and slice it all up, throw my hands in the air, give up, acknowledge "I can't do it. Judge all my fears into realities. The ancient young soldier inside of me wants to run away from the battle where I see my face plastered on all warriors. My limit based self wants to pitch it as either this or that, either I am Al's Soulmate, or I leap away and claim dominion over my own life. A worn out, overly open, overly giving aspect wants to enjoy more time out... wants to experience more play and direct pleasure. The true aspect of me, wants space to get to know this fellow human, beyond the labels, expectations, and mania of leaping first, and considering the consequences and details last... or never, or whatever. My inner professional wants the New Earth to Bloom, and fully sponsor the complete blooming of every Soul Gift I bring to this Earth Party... and every soul gift We each bring... Yesterday!
I feel a little wounded, and a bit more closed off, than before, when I presented as strengthened and open, eager and ready. Now I want all these qualities for me, first, and then to share... as I choose and dare.
I love how much love I fall into, feel, am and share, with Al. And maybe it's a girl thing, yet I want to step back enough to ensure each of us stays strong, and whole, and on solid footing individually, while learning who we each, in this present reality are.
So are we engaging, engaged, a soul match, soul mates, lovers, friends, soul friends, mystics, humans, on the same page, on various eclectic pages, full of shit, feet in the mud humans, ascended masters, dreamers, teachers, light bringers, early indigo's, bringers of the blue light, healers, wayshowers, systems busters, peace makers, earth walkers, love warriors, agitators, renegades, rebels, pioneers, victims, visionaries, romantics, musicians, dancers, poets, writers, authors, co-authors, co-creators, kindred spirits, starseed, soul family, earth angels, puzzle pieces, life quilt patches, change makers, trailblazers, slackers, creatives, shapeshifters, shamans, victors, love ripples, visionaries, god?
Probably... highly likely... who cares... I don't know... we do know... let's find out...!?!
In the new energies, we all enhance each ONE of us, either way.
So I am grateful to love and be loved, bless and be blessed, bliss and be bliss, and am grateful to share this with AL and with ALL! I trust Love to remind us who we are, and how best to playfully shed JOY out, breath joy in, and groove on... sharing all of this together.
|Wavy Gravy celebrating his 75th Birthday. Photograph by Brian Pounds|
P.S. For the record, none of this may be true, yet it is, in this moment, how I make it up!