|Original Abstract Painting on Board by Jen Klarfeld|
Here is a wholehearted reply I fit into a comment bubble, in response to a very down and out, new friend on one of the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Groups I participate in privately, on social media. She was struggling with new eyes, seeing her pattern of befriending and associating with highly narcissistic individuals, as she was so brainwashed to let them hold all the power, and lead, direct, and push her around. She was in the deep throws of pain, hopelessness, helplessness, victim identification, and a lot of self pity.
Here's what came to me, in my response.
Hi new friend. Please remember, we were all cast as the scapegoats, and taught we are the ones who are broken, and that the only love we qualify for is pity, negative attention, and sorrow for our lack, brokeness, pain and drama. Yet all this actually comes from the Narcissist playbook. It's not even about us.
So know you are someone, someone unique and special, a gift and a treasure even, and you have it buried inside you, this potential to be a happy, secure, healthy, loved human. I listened to a few more Narcissistic Abuse Recovery videos today. It reminded me that the wounding of a Narcissist and or Narcissistic Mother is so deep, and so profound, so locked in, and at so many levels, they are the disturbed character disordered individuals who will likely never be courageous and real enough to look in at themselves, and all the broken pain bringing ways they escape reality.
You still have a chance. All you describe is part of the shared journey, yet only stops on the way. I hope you will see the healthy side of feeling your true pain, of wanting to hide from a world you find painful and untrustworthy. I have been in weekly therapy for 3 years. The first year I misunderstood my therapist, and ended up taking December off. My self esteem was so low, I misunderstood something she said, and denied myself of her support for a whole month, a heavy month, the month of holidays and thoughts of family.
|The Skate Park Shadows by D.Sharon Pruitt|
Just because all these shadowy experiences, and feelings circle around over and over again, does not mean they have to define the whole of you. They might define the past and the inner child in you. Please start taking steps to secure the healthy side of you, even if it only feels like the potential you.
I do this by taking healthy steps forward, taking care of the adult or mommy like tasks in my life, which I resent, because I feel I was not always well trained to be a full, whole, responsible adult. I do this by keeping journals and writing all of my fear, feelings, my needs, my invalidating experiences and memories, and more down. Yet I also make uplifting entries, like lists of activities that bring me joy, qualities my loved ones and I adore about me, soul gifts and strengths I have, and accomplishments I've made.
You have followed patterns that were laid out for you. Perhaps it would feel good to take some very itsy bitsy power steps, like putting yourself in the primary role in your life, in a small act, like going to a cafe or tea house, or breakfast place, and treating you to whatever makes you smile, with no fake narcissists at your table!
All those imbalanced relationships are actually, also amazing compost, to grow beautiful new flowers and connections with. Part of being a secure adult, is allowing your real feelings. You are already doing that. Thus you are a step ahead of the Narcissists, who can never look within, or allow their real true feelings in a sustained way. It may take some time, but once you start to turn this ship, the ship of you, around, you will never be the same. You will see through the Narcissists, and begin to pity them, and see their vast array of gross limitations.
What's weird is they are good at being selfish. So we can learn a small smidgen from them of how to put ourselves first, how to be primary. Only we can do it in ways that are healthy. I hope you will keep up your research, and turn the game around, to support you and your alignment with winning, and with healthy support.
I hope you will keep researching therapists, and be the boss you came here to be, and line up a whole handful of them. Let them try out for you, until you find one that is strong, compassionate, secure, healthy, and resonant. Play with hugging and comforting your scared inner child. Play with recognizing and telling her, you are here with her, and change is already in the making!
|"Self Expressing" by Jen Klarfeld|
You will see, healthy secure people find real feeling refreshing. The rest of the manipulators will fall away, more and more. As you grow up your levels of inner security, small step by small step, you will see a sea change of who you attract, and who you repel. When you see those wounded Narcissists and manipulators for what they are, you will notice, they will avoid you, as you grow secure in your strength, and guidance from within.
That's what I've got.
Oh my! That become a long encouragement note.
You are out in new territory. It feels like a death of sort, to realize "a fake person trained me to be a fake, and hand my authority up to manipulative Narcissists." To me this means the reigns of your life are returning to your own heart and hands. Congratulations! It can feel very odd and new. Yet my guess is you won't want to re-shackle yourself, once you get used to this new, hard won sovereignty! Hugs from me in Santa Fe!
P.S. Last Winter I was at home procrastinating, listening to free dating seminars on-line, and shoving a beautiful, accomplished, long-distance-relating single male doctor into my schedule. A month or two later, I realized I was projecting on him, in part because he was warm, and cute, and in part, because his outward life seemed in order. Now I look back and see the unhealthy red flags on his side and mine. I was unhealthy chasing after him, while he expressed a confusing push pull, attracting, then distancing air towards me, from the start. I learned a lot before, during, and after that.
A second on-line Winter Dating seminar led me to learn about Adult Attachment Styles. Google it. It's eye opening!
|Abstract Painting by Jen Klarfeld|
I have been more "on my side" this year, since then. Less eager to shove a man in, to be all my missing parts. I feel less like I'm missing everything, while more simply enjoying my own life. I feel like my level of inner security has skyrocketed this year, within. I feel like my outward life has not fully expressed this yet. Still I feel good in and as me. This is quite priceless, and it's all mine, for real and for keeps! And all of this, is all mine to share with those secure enough to attract me.
Peace on the journey, and or whatever you are bettered by feeling!
Here are some additional resources for anyone open to, or needing to learn more about Narcissistic Abuse Recovery. I have gathered the following support YouTube Videos on this topic, weeding out some of the most super supportive, highly informative, and less well known insights and guidance videos on a YouTube Playlist I call "Top Resources for Understanding Narcissists."
"Top Resources for Understanding Narcissists."
The second list I am sharing is a far more comprehensive list. Here it is:
"Resources for Understanding and Recovery from Narcissists... (and Narcissistic Abuse)"
If you are interested in the New Earth based toolkits I offer on this path of Soul Expansion, Please visit my website at:
where you can learn more about ThetaHealing, Quantum Healing Hypnosis Technique, and Parallel Life Regression.
Stay tuned for more new offerings, in the making right now!
I welcome you to share this blog entry, and these resources freely.
We have been trained to love our family, parents and partners unconditionally. I recommend and encourage new terminology, which is to love and relate with wholehearted discernment. Many of these unhealthy patterns grew out of times when emotional I.Q. was really, overall not considered, studied, honored, nor understood. You are living in new times, when teachers like Brené Brown, Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks, Vianna Stibal, The Pleiadians through Nora Herold, Dolores Cannon, Dr. Eric Pearl, and you and I exist, and are helping turn the whole game around for good!
Let us celebrate, be vulnerable, honor imperfections, and honor our divinity by being whole, gentle, loving, and unifying within this grand Creation.
Cocreative Kin: Be blessed!