My response to a seeming, racist smear campaign against me, by someone of mixed race, in my local and on-line community.
Sharing this response post, to one of the most over-the-top, rage filled, racist projections, I have experienced in decades, towards me, by someone apparently highly conflicted inside, projecting her personal, and familial, and cultural hate, racism, devaluation, and the pain locked inside her, on social media, onto me, after my responding openly and honestly on a political post, on a local musician friend's wall.
I refuse to shut my heart down, and withhold my truth, simply because some may degrade it, within their own fear and pain projections. The fear of others, is not the definition of where I live. Yet it takes me some extra effort to navigate these challenges, due to my own human frailties, challenges, and programming. For me it is a life long, lives-long process of healing, and transformation, loving, and learning.
My response, after being targeted and ganged up on by the daughter of someone I have shared a treasured friendship with, over 20 years in Santa Fe, and after being blindly attacked and abused by other friends of friends who do not at all know me, in reality. I am not divided inside, as much as Americans and America is being systematically warred against to be, right now. I'm being tested, like many of us, and don't even blame the haters. I just know who I am. And I feel an immense sadness, and pain inside of me, to be abused in these high school clique like attacks. This is all part of our growing through this awkward, painful divide, and rebirth of sorts. Not trying to diminish, nor take away from other's experiences, perceptions, nor any of it.
I also wish to share this, because I have lived above the hate that was inflicted upon me in my own dysfunctional, tribal family of origins, and in socialization within my life, and communities. And I just want to hold harmony, true love, empathy and understanding that is mine, through all of this change. And I want to shed light on the haters, whatever perceptions and sides they align with, both the haters in my family, and in our community. And I want to say, I feel painful emotions too, I hear you, and I am not the enemy. Your pain is worthy of feeling, expressing, and getting help to feel, process, and finding support through processing. And it's important for me to see, know, and speak aloud, that I am not the cause of your pain, I am not your scapegoat, I am not the dangers you fear, out in the world. And I am not willing to pretend I am, nor am I a garbage dump for unprocessed pain of people whom I love, up close, or from far away. I am just not. I am not an adversary, nor am I an opponent, nor a stereotype, nor a threat. I don't need validation from people who can't see who I really even am, anyway.
Here is my response to getting dragged into racist hate, at a level I don't buy into, or fan the flames of intentionally, ever. Rather I hold views, as a human, and an American, that are under fire, as many people's views, and realities are, right now.
Hey, Local Friend that was always outwardly kind to me, prior to 2020. You're Mom was one of the first Artists who related to me, and welcomed me and gave me her original art, on layaway, when I was new in Santa Fe, years ago. I have 6 of her original paintings and prints, in my home, that bring me great joy. I do love your parents, and was given a CD of your music, years before you met me, and I felt a feeling of love, care, admiration, respect, and kvelling over you, as well.
I'm not outwardly a person of color. I fell in love with a man from West Africa, and after traveling there, did not feel that if he wished to move back, that much of what impassions me, in my healing work, even had any outlet there. Upon visiting, the family and culture was more into Christianity. I'm not so much religious.
So your projections on me are ironic, and I must conclude, not even about me, to me. I feel a lot of self hate projections, which is hard, as I was adopted, and my living parent is still filled with self hate and projections, and dumps these on me, in shocking moments. So yes your hate is painful to me. I don't expect you to be my friend if you don't see value in me. The healing work I do is for people who have a level of self trust, where they connect with Creator, and I facilitate their reconnection with the Source, and resources within them, so the one I lean into and trust, assisting my clients, are my clients themselves. I facilitate healing modalities with anyone who is drawn to, and shares a passion for the Soul, my teachers, and my offerings. I never really pushed it on you, anyone, nor anyone of color.
The people who seek me out for help, do so out of trust and resonance, not limiting their view of me to racist views, and separation. Wow.
I wish you only the best in your life.
When we spoke outside a grocery store, I experienced and expressed genuine valuing of your life, and you shared vulnerable topics, and I had no idea you may have had judgements about me, and or therapists, and or white people who hold space for our own transformational process, and those of others. Just Wow.
Ironically, I did see your Mom, in a grocery store parking lot, and it was after you had unfriended me, and I felt a horrible dread, over having been dumped by you, wondering if I am cast as an enemy of the whole family, now. I did not walk over and greet your Mom, as I have done over 20 years of shared friendship to me. Instead I felt really sad, and divided inside.
Tell you what, you define you, and I'lll define me, and if you can't share kindness with me anymore, in public, or on-line, let's let that be about you and your filters, and your unhealed wounds. I'm on my own healing curve myself, and feel bad to even participate in your pain, hate, racism, and judgement projections.
You want to hate Trump, go for it. I hate injustice, and racism, and have throughout my life, and learning about, and experiencing of them. Please don't project your judgements of Trump on me, because I am not him, and I am not fighting for racism, nor inequality, not corruption, when I simply see the possibility of Communism, the threats of Satanic Controllers, and indefinite fear and lockdown for the world, as manipulations, I stand against.
I see people fighting about cages, literal cages, cages of perceptions, and cages of projections. I want to live larger than this. I want to help myself and true friends through these challenging initiations. Yet I have to let go, and let people be who and where they are, as I speak openly to myself, and my friends, and community, about how I am willing to participate, and how I am not. And about what I hold as truth, and what I let others hold as their truth, yet know it does not define me from outside.
For my whole adult life, since I was 15, I have not experienced myself in the stereotypes much of society desperately clings to.
I am not apologetic for this. It is a spiritual gift I bring to the Earth plane. I couldn't trade it in, if I tried. Nor should I have to. If it irritates you, or you judge it, that's yours to face, and explore.
No it has not been easy, to see the souls in humans, when they, sometimes, can't even see the light in their own eyes, let alone the strength and qualities I see in them. Yet I would not turn my gifts down for anyone, nor anything. I am sure I have turned my gifts down, to fit in, to be loved, to be fed, and sustained from outside. Yet I am here trailblazing a whole new frequency into humanity, and I am at home within myself, and still learning to fully see, value, own, express, and contribute all the gifts my soul brings to the Earthly table.
Being real is nothing to feel ashamed of, within the dynamics of a healthy upbringing, a healthy family, healthy friendships, and healthy associations. Many of us have established, refined, transformed, and awoken these strengths within. It is not us who are sick. Yet it is not us who are always seen and valued from outside either. It's an inside job, at a certain point in the game. An inside job that is not always easy, or supported. Yet it is an inside job, that is worthy, valuable, rewarding, and ultimately sustaining. It is a hard won inner job, that once such resources are hard won, they can not be looted, undermined, nor broken, by forces outside, no matter how pained and desperate the detractors may act, or seem. They are merely facing their own wounds, and growth imperatives.
I never expected, at 55 years old, to have to play into hate, fear, blame, and scapegoating, on the scale that is unfurling in Americans, and in Humanity right now. Or maybe my soul knew all along, of the initiations that were coming, and why. It's still a shock for my human aspects, and my startled, scared inner child, still uncertain about my basic survival, and that of humanity, and America. Gratefully I have faith, I trust in my wholeness, and I trust in unity, wholeness, faith, and transformation within my nation, our human family, and our world.
In conclusion I love you. I love me. My coming to this life stage is both healthy, well nurtured, and hard won. How you feel about me, is none of my business, unless you have time, patience, will, and kindness to see the actual me, and not the propagandized, fear filtered version. That's your trash to deal with. And if you chose not to clean it up, I have virtually no say in that, except this expression to my self, my friends, and my community.
I will remain open in heart and soul to you, and to your shadow casting clique of bullying haters. That's me. That's how I lead life. That ultimately reflects on me, and my soul, and my capacity for valuing life, and my fellow admirable beings. I know these times are not easy to navigate for any of us. Still I am willing. And I release you back to your comfort zone, and or your discomfort zone, and back beyond both to the comfort zone where we met, before all this manufactured discord!
See you on the flip-side. And true deep divine love to all of us, sharing, caring, and giving our best, before, during, and after the big staged divide show! I trust we are bigger, brighter, and better than all this chaos, divide, and mayhem. Still I do hold faith in the changes many of us are holding light to traverse, and birth our world through.
InLakesh: I am another yourself!
Love and authenticity on the journey.
Love and faith through our Ascension.
Truly,
Jen
Posts
