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"Flowering Dancers" by Jen Klarfeld
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"Not fitting into the small spaces, pushes us into the infinite resonant ones!"
tonight's facebook status update!
Inspired by this quote from my facebook friend Anita Woodley: "Please don't rush your process. Remember, what you are feeling is not only normal; it is necessary."
Pondering many divergent realities, like how truth, poured through human filters, steeped in romantic American love, often becomes quickly and easily muddled. At least it seems so, in my world, at present.
My Love and I opened to sharing the wild ride of romantic love in August, around Barack Obama's birthday. I had been keeping a healthy, boring distance from such pleasures, for a while, after a love that had felt resonant and joyful, years past. My priorities had shifted, into investing much of my attention towards building my healing and hypnotherapy practice, Trailblazing Transformation.
At the beginning, our new love relationship was exciting, surprising, magnetic, impulsive, full of life and passion. Circumstances added to the intensity, and we made sweeping life changes, accommodating each other, and our shared relationship. I felt that the wide polarization of of our natures, added a sense of having synchronized our energies, like modern day, high tech gadgets. Before our minds could intervene, we had each already downloaded a grand dose of the other one's energies, frequencies, gifts and ways. The attraction felt easy strong, and familiar to dive into. The connection between us felt like it brought a life and vibe, all its own. We both seemed to openly opt, to surf it together.
We passed through the tests of long travels apart, differences in diet, religion, culture, countries of origin, styles of how we handle money, social differences, communication style differences, and completely opposite styles of upbringing, and dynamics within the family, and societal group. We traversed the differences between one private, foreign, religious, traditional, highly responsible, creative, global, nomadic, gentle, particular, freedom loving male force, and one very social, local, spiritual, rebellious, systems busting, original, open, playful, creative, cosmic, pampered, individualized, loving, free female force. Both parties bent, and honored the immense differences, uncharted territories, and the familiar gentle spaces of connection.
When we shifted gears to build back in some of each one's own space, that was lost in the union, it did cause distortions, static, and a shutting down of most of the doors previously opened between us.
Something so vibrant, beautiful and powerful was birthed in our coming together. Yet the question arose, could this be sustained, without demolishing the unique levels of so many qualities, gifts and strengths, within each one, while honoring the creation of power and beauty between the two?
No one articulated it, in such words, yet this mysterious push/pull dance continued. I wanted to give my all to the new energies, throughout creation, within me, and within this shared love, as well as within my business, community, and all. I also wanted to love, and nest, and go within. He wanted to venture out, hold his own, and also to share in loving, nesting, sharing and being. We spent a lot of quality time, being, not choosing to plug into TV, movies, or the average Modern American distractions. I sunk into a new space, changing for better, and coming out quite renewed. Looking in, it seems we both did.
Yet honoring differences, and what we are each building, outside our union, we broke out of the union, and fended for ourselves, better for the connection. I kind of didn't know totally how to feel. Was it over, was it changing, were we casting each other out, or following the natural flow. Could we communicate, or was stepping back in silence all we could handle?
After a few weeks of honoring our individual lives separately, Love walked back in through my heart, and into my door. My Love opened the communication, inquiring what I wanted, and gently nudged us both to rekindle, reawaken, and reopen what we started, and set on pause. I was not sure if this was really for the best, yet love magnetized me back to open ourselves back up together. And at first it was a very tender experience, familiar in all the love, originally opened and shared.
As we gathered at my home, and then at his, and then mine, it felt warm, exciting, familiar, and quite new. I felt nervous, delighted, like each visit was a whole new vacation. Each one on our best behavior, to assure making the most beautiful pairing possible. Yet it was slightly odd, as we each vied for our priorities, him, to keep it simple, yet still to make me happy, me to keep it harmonious, yet still to honor what each one longs for.
Three vacation like get-togethers, brought bliss and joy, simplicity and harmony. We each rose above all our petty differences, and celebrated our divine union. We honored and celebrated love shared, and still celebrated a lot of autonomy, and individual power.
Then one night we pushed to keep up the sweet momentum, in the middle of the strong and separate autonomy. This night was as difficult, and frustrating as the others were easy and blissful. We both bit our tongue, in attempts to highlight the good, and neutralize the sharp differences and disappointments. I, slow and lingering, he, fast and hungry. So the differences began to creep back in. I know life is everlasting, and ultimately freeing, and he knows life is fleeting, and fraught with suffering, challenge, and struggle. I trust, he self protects...he allows, I fear. He contracts, I expand. He shuts down, I invade.
The next vacation, in town, at his place, began quite heavenly. My host served us Senegalese smoked rice and chicken, that soothed my palette, and my soul. He was willing to start out fresh, after our awkward, silent, late meal.
I had seen my first boss from eleven years ago, during the day, sharing stories, laughs, and connections. I gave him my card, and he commented on my Chinese hat. I said, "It's actually an African hat. The man whom I am seeing now, is from the tribe the hat originates from," I proudly told him. Perhaps you know him, through your Folk Art Affiliations, as he is a Master Jeweler from Mali. Ah, yes he did know him, he reported. "Doesn't he have about twenty girlfriends?" My old boss asked. "No, only one right now!" I answered, feeling both resilient and incredibly fragile all at once.
This exchange kept popping into my head, through dinner. I stifled my urge to share it, through out the sumptuous meal. I recalled my California parents coaching me on Skype, recently, the night of our late silent shared meal, on how the secret to their successful, twenty five year marriage was in how they had both learned to, at times, hold their tongue. "I am not so good at that one," I had thought, while listening.
And being not so good at it, I indeed let it pour out of my mouth, a bit of radical honesty from my day in town. I told my Love about the comment of our mutual friend, and fellow artist, inquiring, if my boyfriend is his friend, whom he knows for "having about twenty girlfriends." My memory gets a little fuzzy here, cause it all quickly started plummeting down hill, from this point! Soon after, my Love began bragging with relish of one, no two ex-girlfriends who told him, they liked, even celebrated his freedom to do as he chooses, with other women, while not at home with them.
So I asked the obvious, "Oh, are you saying this, because it is what you want? Or are you saying you prefer it that way, or that this is how you really are? Or you want me to be like them,... because I am not, and I don't respect any woman who likes this, and I don't respect any man who wants to live like this! I am not an African woman, and I do not want anything like this!"
Then we went into the karmic hell zones, and waking nightmare realms.
It went very fast and something like this:
His stance: "I am not willing to talk about it."
My stance: "I am not willing to continue having sex with someone who can not talk about this!"
His stance: "Let's no longer be lovers, let's just be friends!"
My Stance: Multiple attempts at American style open communication, and ratting out the logic, behind why he gives conflicting campaigns for trustworthy, monogamous fidelity, in some conversations, and pleas for perpetual global gigolo-hood in others. This continued, interspersed with unabashed, two year old crying, for hours on end, the kind that has a life of it's own, and keeps erupting, as cannot be dammed! In all my years of dating and mating, one thing I have learned, is that no man, especially not globally born men, enjoy even one second of such outbursts. Alas, I could not stop, and did go on like this for many hours.
Much later I noted, while still leaking unstoppable, yet less dramatic tears, that I have always been like this. My old love/new friend, quietly consoled, "it's O.K."
The funny part of the conflicted male's Jeckle and Hyde role, was that I did not even feel like he was vying for the right to go out and screw other women. It was more the African Male freedom, to have a right not to tell your woman any private thing, and then to tell her any private thing, when and only when you feel to, that seemed in question.
Pressed to his highest defenses, my Love opted out of our love relationship, and into that of only Friends. He stated many cases, for never wanting to replay this sort of verbal combat, and for never wishing to invite these kind of raw emotions, and tears.
I let him retreat into his man's space, in his art studio, where I left him to be, male, and then came in and loitered, and left again. He played with male things. and gadgets, that he may not even know how to use yet. And later I tried to get in, to communicate, and he said "no!"
So I waited, longer, and cried non-stop, much more, wondering, who am I, and where did I learn to project this on someone I love, from, and how do I shift back, and let him know, that this is the last way I want to be, and initiating this waking nightmare is the last desire I would ever have.
At one point, he said he looked forward to a time when I meet my future loving husband, and we can all be dear friends. He reminded me, that we are at different life stages, me wanting a soulmate, love and family. He still recovering from his variation on this theme.
Hours later, I asked him to come out, and he softened the lights, and sat with me. I expressed how this is the last way I wish to act, and wonder if the full moon, is part of the equation. I thought some of how the light of my radical honesty, blazed the aspects that he is unwilling to discuss up into the light of truth, whether it's true or not.
We shared a nice long tender talk. We opened up and allowed each other. I got mad only once, when I spoke in such a curt way, I snapped, 'This is not a business meeting!" Then we came back to our centers, and shared more life stories and insights.
We discussed points of view, and he spoke in rash generalizations, as if America is to blame for the impossibility of decent relationships. He sited some cased, to back up this view.
He noted how I am too picky. I reminded him of how he is too picky. I suggested, we both seemingly need an exceptionally laid back partner.
He spoke of how we cry upon being born, and all suffer when we die, and so it is, in between. I disagreed, saying, some have an ecstatic birth, a joyful life, and a peaceful, even occasionally self willed, transition to the next incarnation, or soul destination!
I felt some relief, that if our truth filters are so divergent, and our goals so polarized, then, it will be a great improvement, to pull the plug on our love experiment, and learn how to respect each other as more neutral friends.
At the apex of this evening, I felt all this warrior energy. Was it the hormones in the "Smith's chicken," mixing with the light of the full moon, activating my inner warrior? Or was it all my own raw emotions? I felt all this mad rage, desire, frustration, limitation, fear, and emotion. It felt like the culmination, of the pain of all the limitations experienced in being human. I felt really mad at having to be and feel so human.
Later we shared a perceptive and gentle conversation of insights and observations. "Why did you never get married?" he asked me. "I don't know. Americans have a lot of problems!" I answered. "They do!" he agreed. "My parents had a miserable marriage and I didn't want to repeat the problem!" I shouted angrily, at the seemingly limited set of choices on Earth. "Still I gained strengths through this," I recognized. "I didn't trust my ex, for a life partner, because he abandoned his children for most of their childhood, and he did not much love America!" I confided. "That can happen in Africa," He noted.
I noted my abandonment issues, from being adopted, and how they get triggered by his unwillingness to communicate openly with me. He denied this, noting how I was adopted into a great family, who were able to meet all my needs. He expressed a desire to have such parents. Yes, no, that's not what I meant. That's funny, yes.
Later I thought of how my parents never expressed much real love between each other, in my lifetime, yet they filled me up with a lot of love, and a lot of freedom, and choices. I wondered if my Lover turned Friend knows he deserved to be deeply loved. Maybe he does not know how it feels to be loved steadily and deeply, and how to stick around and receive this. Men have so much high pressured conditioning to perform, initiate, win the girl, and so on. Does he know he deserves not just to give love, but to relax and receive it too? Maybe, later, I can ask him.
For now, our LOVERS chapter is closed, as we step back to enjoy, whatever we both enjoy, on our own, with less pressure, than whatever we were sharing, seemed to bring up.
I told him, that there is a certain kind of man, men who are air signs, whom I have shared this kind of response from. I said that with this type of man, in a romantic relationship, it seems like my very nature, pushes his very penchant for closing up, and floating away.
He tried to warn me that my raw emotions will be a problem for men in the future. I tried to warn him, that his longing to keep his options open, and remain free to get into more trouble with more women, throughout more relationships with one woman, will be a problem in the future.
I explained that there are plenty of men in the world, who want honesty, and honor true feelings, and open communication. Just as there are many shallow young women, who might want to play the field, and keep their options open.
He focused on Americans as problem ridden people, who mostly divorce, and can't handle being in relationships. I noted that many of my closest friends are in happy, open, trusting relationships, in America!
I spoke to a close, local friend the next day. I shared an overview, more brief than this one. I shared of how it seems we both need a partner more easy going, than either of us are. She quickly agreed, noting that I need one who is easy going and communicative, and he needs one who is easygoing, and quiet.
On an inspiring note, my Lover turned Friend, expressed love for me, and gratitude for having learned new ways, and for having expanded into being a better, and more open person. He cherishes my friendship, and is grateful for what we have shared, and how it has enhanced and broadened each of us.
I too noted to him, that I would not change one detail of all that we shared. I too am better for all of it, and bless it all. I told him earlier, that it feels like a real soulmate connection, when two lovers shake each other up, and shift each other for the better, on so many deep and varied levels!
He celebrated how we will both feel much ease, simplicity and harmony, as treasured by both of us, honoring the changes that our differences seem to bring.
Yesterday I sat and journalled 74 hand written pages. Now I sit, writing fresh, with less emotions flying freely about. Feels like I purged a great deal of old karmic crud, in the recent couple of days.
Yesterday afternoon, I listened to Harlan Makosato's radio show "Native America Calling," on KUNM. The topic was free speech for Native Americans. He himself, was very light hearted, diplomatic, neutral, conscientious, and funny. His guests were quite enraged, victim identified, resentful, and bitter. But what got to me, was listening to the guests call in, how each one repeated this same tired pattern. They either called in and began "I'm white..." or "I am Native American..."
I called in, yet did not get through. I wanted to share this quote, "That it is the most insecure person in a relationship, that controls the relationship." It seemed to shed light, on some of the madness of the atrocities, of the "whiteman" against the red peoples. The white colonizing killers harbored more fear, and belief in or against the "other."
Still what I wanted to say, even more, is that a friend of a friend, years ago, a fellow hypnotherapist in the area, once shared tales of her practice, in the Santa Fe area. She said that many many clients had come to her, entered trance states, and recalled in one past life, being the tall, invading, space race, white guy from the sky, and in the next life, the same client would recall a life as a short, round, red indigenous woman, up on a spaceship, being genetically modified to reproduce a half red, indigenous, earth being, and a half, white invading space race baby! She said that the theme overall, was that the white invading race people came to Earth to learn LOVE from the Indigenous Earth Peoples.
Since I was 19 or so, off failing my way out of the mainstream University, and into the divine stream of our Multiverse, I have had knowings and feelings of other life expressions and other dimensional overlays. I saw my blond Nordic boyfriend from the Chicago suburbs, as an Amazonian Indian, in another dimensional expression. It explained why his furniture hung on ropes, from the ceiling, like hammocks, in the tribal huts, of rain forest people.
I have had dreams of my male Jewish cousins, being tribal brothers in New Guinea, going through circumcision initiation rites, similar and different, to those as Jews, near houses, built on high stilts.
In dreams, I have seen ancient nuclear wars, in the pre-history of the culture that is based now in India. I have experienced lifetimes as both male, as well as female, old and young, slave and colonizer, emperor, and peon, black, brown, red, yellow, beige, and white, and blue, and winged. I have read that this is common to those born with the indigo, crystal, rainbow, and starseed orientations, and vibrations in our aura, that we retain some of this knowing.
Why did no one call in the show, as I wished to, and explain, from a larger perspective, as sited in books by Dolores Cannon, Brian Weiss, Dick Sutphen and more, that we are born from the Light of Source, and return to the light, and that we don costumes of bones, flesh and skin, and like actors, we play all the roles?
I am grateful to the new kids on our planet, who bring such pure hearts, and knowing, and are now coming in with the new DNA, and retaining memories from various dimensions, life expressions, from the Light of Source, and more.
I am grateful as we are shedding our skin, of old religions, dogmas, prisons, limitations, fears, doubts, diseases and conditioning. I am grateful to be alive at the transition, where we may learn to outgrow old conditioned programs of sickness, pain, separation, blind rage, fight or flight, and death.
One of the oldest truths to me, is seeing through the karmic patterns we feed, when we keep hating, and how they only cause us to come back, as that which we most hate. Think of all the soldiers, native peoples, corrupt leaders, American divorcees, mothers and daughter, fathers and sons, friends and lovers, prisoners, slaves and police officers, corrupt leaders, bankrupt followers, lawyers and judges, murderers, and rapists, drunkards, and saints, homeless ones, priests and popes, who have such deep energetic compulsions to comeback and play each others' roles. There are may ways out of this old, tired story. Awakening to the Dharma that we are all one, and here to expand, express and help each beautiful reflection of this, is a magnificent way. I invite us all to this awakening party! Sleeping together is great, but awakening together is where it's at!
New science Physicist Amit Goswami invites us into the expanse between conditioned evolution and creative evolution. I know which one I'd prefer to align with, if only it weren't for all that conditioning, I've been trained to identify with. Oh, wait I'm not my history! I'm not even your history. Phew! Let's all start out new!
Much Love on the way!
P.S. Here are five high vibrational, relevant book recommendations from my heart to yours! Enjoy!
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