Into the Blue - Early Shamanic and Hypnotic Journeys of Trailblazer Jen Klarfeld

Treasures From the Turquoise Blue Mexican Bookshelf of Jen Journals, Sketchbooks and Photo Albums

My First Group
Hypnotherapy Experience
at Renewal Institute
back in 1993

Tonight I dug into and received guidance to read and publicly share some very precious journeys, from over twenty years ago, when I lived in San Francisco, and was expanding my quest for Self discovery and direction.

By this time, I had already dropped out of a major Midwestern University, fled my bitter cold Midwestern homeland, and moved West, to be near my Dad.  I found my way to the rigorous world of advertising studies, at a small business oriented Art College, in the city. I went from pure fun with little focus, to pure focus and work with little fun, experiencing my second college experience as equally limiting, and not so very resonant with me.

It was all about this world, and I was soon to learn, I am not!

The Famous1989 Loma Prieta 
Earthquake of San Francisco  and 
Beyond, Measuring 6.9 on the Richter Scale

I took my first clairvoyant class in 1989.  The evening I was scheduled for my free psychic reading, the city and outlying areas were rocked by the giant Loma Prieta 1989 Earthquake. I walked and rode the bus from my Dad's real estate office, to the psychic school, only to be assured we could reschedule.  I felt it was a sign, that getting the psychic reading was a huge crossroads for me, as the earth shook right before!  Now I'm sure it was.

I roomed with a clairvoyant, world traveler, artist & art teacher named Pamela, who opened me to the magic of psychic readings and clairvoyant trainings.  I went on to attend clairvoyant trainings in San Francisco, Marin County, and later Santa Fe, New Mexico.

Michael Harner

My next mystical adventure step was Shamanic Training with Michael Harner, followed by shamanic journeying with his organization, transpersonal programs, community shamanic circles, and later in Santa Fe with Sandra Ingerman.

Sandra Ingerman

It was shortly after the first shamanic training, that I experienced my first life changing Alchemical Hypnotherapy Regression Session, with a young rookie named Adam, whom I recall seeing at the Mind Body Spirit Expos, regressing all the girls to past lives, where they would cry, right there in the middle of the giant, bustling event.

I was so impressed that I scoured the Bay Area, and found resonance and a strong pull to train in Alchemical Hypnotherapy at Renewal Institute, in San Leandro California, with Reverend William Thornton.

Every moment amazed me.

His stories live on in me, as if they were my own.  Some other day, you may get one or two of them out of me.

For now, I'll stick close to home, and share my own story.

Here is my very first trance experience of my training at Renewal Institute, from a group induction, whereby our teacher led the whole class in experiencing our own trance journeys simultaneously, and still individually.
Here is what I found in my big artsy journal:

3/4/93 - Journey Led by Bill Thornton - First Evening of Alchemical Hypnotherapy Training > at Renewal Institute, San Leandro California

Induction Demonstration:

Walk down "ten Stairs"... stairs in green hallway with table, at Renewal Center. Then think to walk down stairs of a Mayan Temple.  Given suggestion to walk through a door at the end. Then I go back to "Renewal stairs," to a doorway.

I find it is a natural wood door with similar plain wood handle, and a 3 paned, pie piece shaped, half circle window in the top of the door. Go through door (to SubConscious Mind).(Suggestion of path.)

Find myself on a path that is very curvy and winding, like a river in New Guinea.  Path runs through a vast amount of vegetation, like a tropical jungle or rain forest...and lots of color and shapes, wildly covering as far as the eye can see, with the exception of the clear way of the path running through.

Art by Raw Creation Artist Jen Klarfeld

Walking down path, follow path, observing brightly colored thick vegetation, flowers, fruit, plants, and trees. Late, but after noon, while sun shines, due to trees and foliage overhead, and mist. Tropical jungle. (Upon questioning) and note that my shoes are black patent leather Mary Janes, along with white tights and a blue dress, which makes me giggle to explain. Very giddy and silly sometimes.

Feel as though age, somewhere around eight years old. Very excited to be here, as I enjoy adventures so.

I meet, (upon suggestion), the adult Jen and tell her about my adventures, and enjoyment of them. Then I go up ahead, on my own, as eight year old Jen. I wish to meet someone along my way, but instead come upon a hut.  It is very dry, and it seems it was abandoned long ago. It is dusty, and dry, dirty, and dark, and contains only one table, and some small chairs, and not really anything else.  It is rather small, and not much larger than its contents. 

Apache Grass Hut with Baskets Outside

I have a sense that it is very ancient, and has been unattended for quite some time. When asked if it seems like a place I'd like to come back to, I say "no." Also I do not recall having ever been here before. I believe that the table and chairs need to be removed from inside, and that some cleaning and change might be helpful. It would make a better empty solitary space, without the clutter of the chairs and table. 

As I remain there, the hut seems to warm up with a glowing light. It's as if a warm golden and amber fire is burning inside. The fire is unique, in that it seems to burn in a tiny, dry, old straw hut, and yet at the same time, it warms the hut, and renews its inviting quality, while not endangering it in any way.

Warm Inviting Peaceful Hut

The fire does not ever threaten to consume the hut, only enlivening and creating warmth inside, which emanates  out, beyond the small hut itself. Hut transforms from ancient dry, dirty, dark, cluttered, unattended hut, to warm empty, emanating, radiant, inviting, peaceful, uncluttered hut.

Sweet Gifts and Opportunities

Laura Tarnoff & me Jen Klarfeld, this Summer at Tarnoff Art Center

The Summer is flying by swiftly, signifying an air of joy in my heart, despite the human highs and lows I see experienced by many around me, and that I occasionally feel within. I eagerly sought out love earlier this year, first bonding with a fellow Starseed in South America, and leaving go of that rushed union, a couple of full moons in. Later I test drove a more grounded love, with a recycled old lover and friend. We shared a lovely weekend together in May, in my beloved Santa Fe. It was all very sweet. Still about four months into mainly texting via facebook messages, it felt more like a sober business exchange, than what I know as a full fired love of the present moment. So I let these two counterbalances return back to their origins, the second, with friendship still intact.

I treated myself to a beautiful Tibetan Buddhism weekend retreat in Santa Fe, this Spring, led by a very light-hearted, and sweetly inspiring Teacher, Anam Thubten, Founder of Dharmata Foundation, out of Point Richmond, CA. The friends I met here, some familiar, and some new, were a delightful circle. The teachings and practice were very non-dogmatic, peaceful, replenishing and refreshing to me. There is even a lovely couple, who offer free talks, and Sangha, minutes from my home. www.dharmata.org

My dear friend Laura Tarnoff's Art Center is firmly taking root, with grants to reach and teach art to more children, in Pecos and Rowe, NM. I was invited to assist the teachers this Summer, and Laura and I even co-taught a day together, which was intense, wild, and fulfilling. Assisting to teach art to local kids, age 6 to 13, was challenging, and humbling too.  Many of the kids bare the burdens of the struggles of their parents, and the crazy challenges of life. Kids, I learned are not immune to the stresses of the adult world. Still we entered sacred space, and shared a lot of new learning, mastery, attention, intention, creativity, and learning together. It was demanding, and equally rewarding. I lived vicariously, learning new art secrets, and felt honored being there in service and support of these bright kids, local community, and of creativity itself. It was indeed a dream come true.  www.TarnoffArtCenter.org

Also the process of painting I was gifted to share weekly support in this Winter, came to fruition in a beautiful, delightful, surprising art show of artists, including me, called the Inspiration Squad, who gather and create at Tarnoff Art Center. 
https://www.facebook.com/INSPIRATIONSQUAD
My art can also be found at:
https://www.facebook.com/RawCreationArtistJenKlarfeld 

My Precious Dad celebrating his birthday with Family!

In the mix was a dear visit to my Dad & California Mom, and a small California Family Reunion, which warmed my heart, and celebrated my Beloved Dad, in a good way. Dad enjoyed a big birthday surrounded by Loving Family.  Dad and Mary also completed my Dad's fourth book "Mysteries of Alien Technologies," in time for Dad's 11th appearance on Coast to Coast AM Radio & his upcoming presentation and class at Contact in the Desert, this month.  http://www.adamthemissinglink.com/  
www.contactinthedesert.com

I was gifted to be a featured guest on two radio shows, Co-Creator Radio with Maxine
Taylor, thanks to my doting Dad. This was a truly special & rewarding experience, which is archived for eternity, at the following link: 
http://www.co-creatornetwork.com/guests/Klarfeld_Jen/_bio.htm 
& Quantum Mindfulness Radio with Earth Angel Joel Ayala Ayapana, a highly victorious Explorer of Trailblazing Transformation. http://www.bbsradio.com/quantummindfulnessradio
The precious interview with Author Joel Ayala Ayapana will air sometime in September.

While some of Santa Fe was being pummeled by hail, earlier this year, Laura and I were given a special gift to participate in a new abstract art, weekend intensive, for free, as led by our friend James Koskinas, at his wife Julie Schumer and his Art Studio, performance and educational space: Parkway Artspace. A whole lot of transformation, freedom, inspiration, and renewal was fueled at the first expression of "Where the Pavement Ends." The spark which helped grow this intensive was an invitation and experience of James teaching kids, and me, this adult kid, at Tarnoff Art Center, last Winter.  Wow!  I am spilling over with gratitude for these gifts and treasures shared!  
www.TheTwilightAngel.com

Summer continued with an adventurous road trip, as I answered the call to join my friend Laura Tarnoff and our mutual friends, old and new, for my first Sundance in this incarnation. Three daring girlfriends set out on a beautiful, scenic roadtrip, through Northern New Mexico, to the Navajo Nation, in Red Valley Arizona, in a big truck pulling behind a modern camper.

The Sundance was birthed and led by Howard Bad Hand, an old Friend of Laura's and her Parents, from South Dakota. I had met Howard a couple of times, at Santa Fe's own, Indian Market, and at Ojo Caliente Mineral Springs. In fact today is a special birthday for him, according to his bio on their website: http://www.highstarsuneagle.org/
I must say, I didn't fully get, or even appreciate Howard, until seeing his dear, service oriented being in action, and in dancing motion, at his very inspiring global event. He is the Intercessor of the High Star Sun Eagle International Sundance for Peace.

 

The Land of Enchantment, on the road to Sundance

My Ex-Beloved Kamajou introduced me to Laura Tarnoff, seven or so years ago, when they worked together at the local watering hole in my neighborhood, here in Santa Fe. I am an Artist, from Winnetka originally, raised in a Jewish Family outside of Chicago.  Similarly Laura is an Artist, raised in neighboring Northbrook, from a half Jewish, half Italian Family, outside of Chicago. Needless to say, we recognize each other as Souls, and through many lifetimes, and cultures we hold near and dear to our hearts. We are regular loud pilgrims to the sacred waters of Ojo Caliente, the Santa Fe International Folk Art Market, Indian Market, Afreeka Santa Fe's Fiesta Fela and now Sundance, and endless creative and art making endeavors.

When I first met Laura, we swapped business art cards, of which we each had a whole variety, like our own mythical tarot card decks, in the restaurant, down the street from my home. Laura invited me to tend the fire, at her vision quest, up in Rowe NM. I came up, slept on her Dad's couch, and tended a small fire, from 2:00 to 4:00 am, while Laura sat up all night long, in a sweatlodge structure outside, awaiting unique medicine visions and spirit visits. Tom, her husband, feared for his wife's possible demise, as a roving grizzly bear's feast. A woman shaman and cosmic hypnotherapist, stayed on alert, inside.  In the morning I was invited into my first sweatlodge of this incarnation, with Laura, her Dad, Sherwin, and Friends. It was very sacred. What a way to begin a friendship!

Laura took on such a commitment, after facing the death of her Mother, and after many years around the Sundance, Medicine Men, and Sundancers, including her Mother, when they lived in South Dakota. Laura wholeheartedly invited me to Sundance over seven plus years of friendship.  I felt intrigued, yet never enough to prioritize it. I have my sacred circles, that are pretty non-dogmatic, I thought. Laura has hers. "Maybe someday, when I am more retired, or have more money, then I will go," I told myself, year after year.

Howard Bad Hand Sundance Intercessor

This year a mutual friend agreed to join Laura, to attend and be a supporter at the Sundance. Without over-thinking it too much, one day I decided, this year I can do it, and so I will. The timing just felt right. There was no huge problem calling me to heal it, more over all, an openness of heart, and a bit of blockage to clear toward naming and taking my next life steps.

So join in, I did! We were really welcomed, and quickly too. I really did not know a lot about the whole thing.  I am steeped in shamanic tradition, in my community circles for about 25 years now, which certainly helped.

We awoke the first day around four something, and made it to the dance grounds to see the giant red sun arise in the East. Dancing began in the circle's center. There were prayer sticks erected in white, red, black, and yellow, denoting the circle, and an open gateway, at each direction. We sat in some folding chairs in the South, under a round arbor of a sheltering sort. Not too many people were there so early, beyond the dancers, and a few supporters. 

I followed Laura's lead standing up and gently dancing to the beat of the drums, the men were beating, behind the whole ceremony. Women chimed in and sang chants at times too. There was a lot of beautiful formations and simple continuous dancing, and calling in the spirits of the various directions, and or honoring their presence.  

I was singled out to receive the chanupa, the sacred Lakota pipe, of one of the dancers, after the beautiful dance came to a close, along side a small number of us. Friends old and new gathered round and guided me on the protocols. The women I came with gathered together, with some other supporters in attendance, and smoked the pipe to send the prayers more fully to Creation. Each time we engaged in new practices, new friends guided us on new ways and approaches. We were guided to say Mitakuye Oyasin, All my Relations, and to be sure the tobacco was completely smoked that all the prayers are sent. It felt very sweet and very honoring.  At times I though "L'chiam" the toast meaning "to life!" from my Jewish heritage, and from memories of my mother appearing in the community theater production of "Fiddler on the Roof!"

Something about how the dancers felt of the spirit worlds, and we helped serve them from the material world, felt very reassuring, reminding how unseens and seens are always working side by side, hand in hand.  It all felt surprisingly ego-less. I felt very guided, encouraged, seen, honored, and well useful. It was very dear. My modern mind questioned some of the details. The dancers do not drink water, and dance out in the hot sun, and we were told not to wear sunglasses, jewelry, or to drink water in front of the dancers ever. As time went on, it was what it was, yet at first, my mind wrestled with the whole concept of self deprivation. I kept comparing it to my transformation practice. It would never serve for me to deny a client of a glass of water. Why here? Later it all fit into a larger context where it made sense.

The second day we were there, was a very full day, to say the least. There were piercings both days, of men's chests and women's upper arms with eagle bones, and I had not bothered to fully read, ask, or learn why it all even takes place. Laura had described bits and pieces to me over the years.  A tree is cut down, and transplanted. No one is praying to the tree in and of itself, yet there is a larger energy that is generated through the tree, like a torodial field. See the movie "Thrive!" http://www.thrivemovement.com/the_movie  Later I felt it was also like a small world, or sphere  around the whole circle, or perhaps several, within each other. At times it felt like the enhanced energy of the Sundance encompassed the whole Earth!

Our first afternoon included the piercing, and I was definitely reacting in some slight shock and horror, even if a low grade, from my modern American ego. At times I felt like a kid, judging "this is hard, I don't like this," people are suffering, and my trainings teach me that sacrifice in exchange for healing is outdated, and of a lower plane, than I am trained to work from. Had to keep reminding myself, I am not here to be pierced, and each dancer is choosing willingly to participate, piercing or no piercing! The empath in me was a bit outraged, and believed I was taking on some of the pain. Later I realized that there is a huge ego trip underneath the modern new age empath trip, and it kind of lost its hold on me. What ever feelings I felt in response to the ceremony, were meant to be, and also mine, and they certainly transformed, as the Sundance continued!

We were quite wiped out at the days end, and woke up with slightly less enthusiasm for seeing the big red new sun, the following morning.

There were difficult moments throughout the first two days, for me. My Western questioning mind, still rattled on, on and off. Our Friends were to get married, under the tree, the second day. Also the previous night, Laura's Friend and I requested healings and learned the protocol. We sat at the dinner table with the Chief, so to speak of the whole creation. He treated us warmly, with no ego at all. It was very refreshing. Our friend got her nerve up to ask him about a healing for us. We ended up gifting tobacco, and a very reasonable donation to Howard, and we were pleasantly instructed and provided with all the tools and a simple lesson, on how to create a prayer flay and 16 prayer ties each, out of grass green colored cotton fabric and tobacco. It was relaxing and freeing to have this earthy  receptacle for our direct prayers, without having to really burden another human ego, with the gory details. We were also counseled on how to keep our prayers very loose and free, and intention centered, not really controlling the outcome, or details too much!  

So we got our prayers in order, and felt a bit giddy, and goofy, sharing cookies and giggles before bed. Our friend the groom, came over to our neighboring camper, and shared some very very deep wisdom, guidance, truth and inspiration with us.  We shared many laughs. We joked that this was his bachelor party, yet the stripping was on a soul level, more than anything!

Was it that night, after our bachelor party, when I walked to the enclosed showers with Laura? They turned out to be ice cold, yet I was already invested! Laura went back to wait for a hot shower in the camper. I decided to call it an African shower, and just go with it, and did! On my way out, in the dark, a small to medium sized snake appeared ahead and to my right, startling me with waves of very high energy. I had my phone, in the dark, yet it was turned off. The mystery remains... rattler or no rattler.  Grateful I never found out. Lights from the open dining structure flooded out enough to reveal the third snake I have encountered live, and close up, this season. I turned around and waited a short eternity for the grace of my cell phone flash light to reboot with my phone.  I raced back to the camper, as Laura scolded me about letting bugs in.  All I could say was "wild animal!"

Snake medicine. Everyone I asked spoke of transformation. My business is called Trailblazing Transformation, I said. "Yes, yet this is for you!" they reminded. Later, upon return, I told my Earth Angel bosses, who import art of the Huichol People of Mexico. Mary said snake is the most powerful feminine symbol of all to the Huichol. I did feel a very high and energized sensation, after my safe, still close snake medicine encounter. I am, after all born in the Chinese year of the wood snake!

The second day was super full. Laura and I shared some misunderstandings and vented at each other, in ways we are not used to. We were both a bit worn down, and raw, even though we were not dancing formally, only supporting. I missed a breakfast, and was very outside of time, before the dinner, the first day, actually all days! An inner tenderness seemed to come out, and clash, or even simply just lash out, or express some extra needs, that we usually need not bother to attend to.

The next day we again missed the full sunrise, yet still arrived early. I stood, and sat at the edge, and on a log, nursing my cup of green pomegranate tea, extra long.  This day grew to contain a lot! We shared and danced in the morning, and our friend, the bride to be arrived, looking radiant, and wearing actual jewelry. We got to participate in a giant healing, where the 50 to 60 Sundancers circled round, in front of us, from their side of the circle, and patted us with their powers, their bird wings and feathers. This was really astounding. What a original treat.

Perhaps even before this was the wedding of our friends in the circle. We were led through cleansing with steam, and allowed into the circle, with the dancers. Before this, a very special gift transpired. A woman came, a Navajo lady who had received a deep and powerful healing last year. She brought a bag full of beautiful jewelry. She asked if we were dancers last year. We got to witness her powerful gratitude, and story of healing. I instinctively asked some dancers, and found two women who where the Sundancers last year. They each remembered her well. As the stories and feelings were shared back and forth, I was moved to tears by the power all of it, and the privilege to merely witness.

Finally the wedding time came, and we joined the Dancers in the circle. It was very sacred, very special, very divine, and very beautiful. After the very simple, down to earth ceremony and uniting, sharing and kissing, the bride and groom were wrapped in a quilted, hand made star blanket, and they were sent to circle around the whole circle. We all followed. Only later did we learn, the bride, was so in the moment, she did not even realize we all followed in their trail.

That day we were asked to support the groom, the bride and friends, as he was pierced, in a way that honored their union. We agreed. From inside the circle, somehow, we were more energized by the heart and core of the egoless, spirit centered group in the circle. So, for reasons beyond my full understanding, I must say that it was a pure joy. Four of us stood behind the groom, and stayed our centers while he and others were pierced in the center, by the tree. It was very energizing and dear. My thoughts, fears and reactions were not present, this day, at least not at this time.

After a brief break, we were, all four women and supporters, invited to stand, as guardians to the four gateways of the four directions, with me in the South, Laura in the West, the bride in the North, and our mutual friend in the East, the place of new beginnings.
This was a treat and a gift too. We were coached, and steam purified, and guided to our posts, out at the circle's edge. We were suited with shoulder sacs of cedar, and a hot canister, on a wire, holding a heated rock to burn the cedar. All day each one swung their cans at the gateways.  I was coached to twist the can instead of swing, which was unique. I did a bit of both. Laura got to help hold the smudge can to purify the dancers, in the West.

Now the order of it all, gets a little blurry. Yet after the wedding, sometime that afternoon, we were called in for our healings, by the tree. It was me, our friend, and a few others. Yet it all played out like one big healing concert, we all co-starred in. It seems this was after all the light fun stuff, after the wedding, the group healing, and the piercing, sometime. After the four direction stewarding. 

The healing for me, seemed gentle, and intense all in one. Our friend the groom, came and yet it felt like Creator talking through him to me. It felt very private, and it was not ego centered, like Western therapy, or doctoring. It was different. There was some guidance about letting my identifications go. I recall being asked if I was complete, so to speak, if I had left all I had to leave with the tree? It felt like I had not, as a huge well of sadness rose up. I had this healers conditioning, or good kid programing to not fully address it, so instead of telling the truth of, "no there is more," I acted good, and complete, and left. Yet the truth was otherwise. So I walked out of the circle still kind of unfinished. 

I sat outside that afternoon, feeling so spent, and for a few untold hours, tears poured out of my eyes and my being, with no end. Laura and I shared some words about what the source of this grief was. In the end it did not matter. It felt both attached to pain and sadness from my whole, and early life, perhaps from my adoption and womb time. Yet Sundance is not Western therapy, so the concern is not really on the why, how or what, the concern is on the releasing, and leaving behind what is not truly you! So I kept running like a faucet, mostly not attaching the grief to any specific time, memory, person, scapegoat, or thing! Yet I merely allowed it to flow out. I was a human tear machine, a giant raincloud personified. I felt physical pain bottled up inside, burtsing forth, and longed for an aspirin, for the first time in many many years! Yet in the morning, it had all passed, cleared, free! Any fear around it was cleared out with the pure grief! Refreshingly gone!  

There was a whole day after this, yet it all blends somewhat into one now. The third day included a giant rainstorm, where we got drenched and cleansed! There was a kind of wedding like receiving line at the end, after the rain, and both protection, clearing, and cleansing from the rain. One of the Women Dancers stopped and gazed into my eyes and soul, holding up the whole line, indefinitely. I was again moved to tears. A few more of the dancers, shared some kind of holy recognition with me. One we recognized as having such uniquely amazing energies and powers kissed me, as I did her, and honored that we would remain in touch.  And this theme went on, some.  It was really something.

I spanned the gamut, from being the outsider, being reluctant to participate, to accepting the invitation, to joining in, and over analyzing, and questioning, to accepting guidance, feeling honored, learning and teaching the sacred steps and details, to full participation, gratitude, honor, blessing, appreciation, awe, inclusion, and surrender.

The Sundance Tree: photograph by Phyllis Mae Helms

We bonded with more amazing new and familiar souls!  A friend from one of my dear soul family circles joined us, after I had thought "Gordon would love this!"  He certainly did. 

Three of the Women Sundancers looked like soul doubles for three of the Soul Sisters in our friend Lynda Star's Starseed Family Circle. This blew my mind, and I shared this with one of them. I was heartened by the dancers who exuded joy, thoughout, and while it was not an ego centered circle, the way some, male and female, maintained their own high heart and overflowed with bliss, and their own uniqueness through the uniform dance and protocol, made my heart bloom inside!

I made connections with some, yet not all of the sacred people I did not want to leave behind. We were informed that they were to pull down and chop the tree up, so we went back to the center and watched the dismemberment. I could feel that the energies were of total wholeness and balance now, so the tree's service was complete. The bride and groom collected small hand sized, round slices of the tree, one for each of us to take with us. Yet it is really us who take and leave what we need, while the tree pieces no longer seemed to be quite so significant.

And so it is here, on Howard Bad Hand's birthday, that I come to find myself, freshly cleaned out, revived, renewed, and with a new heightened sense of unity, service, connection, peace, prosperity, joy, grounding, clarity and love, flowing from inside of who I am, and we are.

The message from the whole, from through the tree, and the ceremony, and the richness of it all, was that of being as a hollow reed, as a hollow bone, as what shamanism has all along always been about. That energy field that was co-generated, co-created, co-birthed, co-originated, is the energy field we are, every one of us made from. The gift of Spirits and Angels, Medicine Powers and Medicine Animals and Plants, is the gift of being and resonating our true vibration, listening, witnessing, watching, giving, helping, and receiving.  The gift is that we are here sharing this sacred music, this sacred dance, this sacred awakening, healing, and creation!  For inclusion in this, I am so grateful!

This year I have been bouncing back and forth between pressuring myself from the inside out for who I expect myself to be for others, and  releasing myself back to the freedom of being who I am for me.  I am grateful!

Photograph from Facebook credited to Anja Photography, as shared by Lynda Star

Mitakuye Oyasin

Soul Medicine Mirror and the Power of Acknowledging 3-D Amidst 5-D

Bobcat photo by Chuck Haznedl found on google from www.ECNCA.org

I have been enjoying life, love and all, albeit a longer distance love than I have ever agreed to. My life feels rich, abundant, fluid, joyful, and full, except of course for when I forget, fear, or question this! 

All my experiences with romantic love have included a mixture of success and failure, attraction and challenges, adoration and aggravation, love and fear, connection and compromise, uplift and heartache. Admittedly, I have tended to leap in without much reservation, or waiting. I am this individual walking along my path, and then I find, or am found by a resonant male suitor, and then, when we agree, we chance to become a "we." I am friendly and easygoing, most of the time, and pleasant... at least I think so! I attract similar qualities in a uniquely, amazing love reflection.  

My theories on love, in general include two main points. One is this awareness I have generated from being single far longer than I have been coupled. That is my awareness that individually, or doubled, human emotions, pains, and issues are going to come up. I laugh when people have relationship issues. Can't escape those, I tell 'em. They come up together, or they rise up within one's self, individually. Sometimes crap hits the fan & I yell, at the crap, at the fan, at myself, at life. Other times crap hits the fan, like this morning, when I woke up to find one of the house cats seemed to do some odd new acrobatics, that left some fresh crap on the bathtub wall, about a foot outside the litter box. It was a bit reminiscent of something from the movie "The Exorcist." Sometimes crap hits the fan and I just clean it up. Today I did. My second theory is that anyone human, who finds anyone else, and shares any kind of love, for any length of time, is a highly courageous being, and ought to be commended, despite how the details appear, (before, during and, or...) afterwards.

In romantic relationship, the stakes get a little bigger, the confusions grow, there is this added element of a whole other reflection to share the crap hitting the fan adventure with, as well as all the good feelings, and of course all the love. Yet it is not just the crap of two isolated individuals, yet a whole wild, wooly, live, love and crap making world of influences too.

https://www.facebook.com/PlanetSARK

So I met this fellow human, what we each perceive & experience as a divine human, in fact, and I was feeling really blessed, and even kind of high on the whole adventure, naturally, of course. And I suppose we each focus more on the sweet stuff, than the crap, as we first come together. This is what is know as the honeymoon phase. We both put on our best face, and lift each other up, and love and praise each other together and to friends and family, for finally arriving. Then life kicks in, and we admire each one's strengths, and attempt to be bettered by our differences. We begin to learn all the ways we are uniquely alike, and also all the ways where we are shockingly individual, and have distinctively different ways and motivations, expressions, preferences, and tools for handling life. And at the core, we line up, a lot more than most, in essence. Our motivations seem in harmony, and our goals compliment and hold space for compassion and understanding of each one.

Now bare in mind, all the other love experiments I have grown through, had in common, a beginning, a middle and an end. I suppose I have been on both sides of agreeing on, or being not so in agreement on each of these passages!  Some have in fact had multiple ends, beginnings, and ends again. In truth I might have been responsible for inviting more endings than not.
  So I feel I have focused on all the dreamy positive stuff, over all, until I haven't, with this new relationship. I have been my best self, in the glow of both our best selves. And with both of us being highly individualized beings, we are used to leaning on our own resources, a lot. So I have let all my shadow stuff come pouring out at odd intervals, like at the consecutive full moons. The moonlight has grown strong, and all my fears and shadow materials come up into this light. And despite all my finest training and spiritual tool kits, I become a challenging creature. I become something more shadowy, and fearing, something less than a full creature of love. My Divine Reflection brings some understanding of astrology, and he even coaches me through it a bit.

Falling into my shadowy pit of fears, I cast some of these at my New Beloved, placing him in a very awkward, and challenging place, as I seem to be surrounded with so many encouraging friends on my path, and he is in a more dire, and challenging environment, on Venezuela. At the beginning, our communications seemed so very divinely inspired. Now I am questioning so much of it, analyzing challenges, questioning life long fears and patterns within my mind, soul and psyche. It is easy for me to assist clients in these areas, as I have more efficient simple, direct tools, than most humans could ask for. I am an artist also, as is my New Beloved, so we have ample outlets to process love, and all the complexities that can arise in romantic love.

I recently skyrocketed into great admiration and appreciation, lamenting other soulful friends for helping inspire me to find this grand love partner. Then I unleashed all my "what if's" or "what if not's" on this one who has poured out so much infinite love into my heart.  It's a very human affliction. And like a disease, I have shared it. Fears, human fears, they arise up from the love of who I am, or rather from the forgetting of the love that I am, and beg to be transformed, freed, and released.  It's a real busman's holiday for me. I am learning the great lesson, of how to come back to the "I" statement! Most of the time I am good at it, until I am not, then I endanger love, in my life, and in my self, and appear to attack the presence of the (external) one shining all this love into my being.

So I am likely running screwy software, you know old hand-me-down's as I call them, from across the board, from as we call them in ThetaHealing, core belief levels, as in the present lifetime, from genetic lineage belief levels, from past lives, and from the hard drive of my human soul. Four distinct human belief levels, here to help uplift or trip you... me... us!

Yesterday I felt very down, and kind of was craving to hide. In fact I was experiencing a bit of a crisis of power. That is when it happened. One of my greatest internal shamanic powers, appeared outside of me, outside of us. I was home around dusk, as one of my two house cats had the wildest visceral response to a creature, outside, as I had ever seen. I rushed over to see what it was. It was at first glance a large, gold, boxy shaped, unfamiliar neighbor cat. It was up on the coyote fence, just outside my window. Yet the longer I looked, I noticed a weirdly short tail, an oddly tall, boxy, muscular stance and prowess.  It was not physically large, yet it's power was grand, uncontainable. I watched as this feline leaped up on the adobe roof, of my art studio.  She disappeared, while I could not see her. Then she made another appearance or two. She showed herself to me three different times. I felt very centered, energized, and completely in awe.

Having pushed myself, beyond my comfort zone, running around town, on no food, the day & evening before, after my Sweetheart had e-mailed, feeling a host of undesirable human physical discomforts, & stress in the face of unstoppable social unrest in his country, we had agreed to postpone our already long postponed, weekend video call. I must have rocketed out into self judgement, and a deep host of abandonment issues, as perceived, as trappings of my adoption at birth and two unclaimed weeks out from there. I proceeded to get really into my head and into my fears, and to, well take out all my worst fears and judgements of and for myself, as in being and feeling unreal, and who knows what all else, and I directed everyone of these "what if... what if not's" at this dear Beloved, who has walked this walk of love, and balanced this tightrope of fear projections gracefully already. So, needless to say I had left quite a wake of crap in our path, the previous dusk, from here in my spiritual mecca of Santa Fe.

This full moon, felt about three days long, to me, for some reason... it felt full moonish on Friday, all day and night Saturday, and on into Sunday, when the actual full moon, felt truly calming. I feel like I/we/humanity is in this massive sea change, where we/I can not go back and operate the way I used to, and glimmers are coming through, of what I would love to do, and yet when I take steps to "build it and they will come," I get lost between avoiding the old traps and ways that don't really work anymore, and feeling like I have to recreate heaven and earth, while the job is too big, for one. And then other moments, it is all unfolding, one massive miracle, expanding the next.

So what I instinctively did was I reached out, when I felt like shouting to the world, "my power came to awaken me, outside my window!... My shamanic wild cat, jaguar, leopard, panther, tigress, b'alam power came to me, and beckoned me to come and hunt, prance, prowl and play, to come and dance and make art, and design this glorious life from my instincts, from my connection, from my primal nature!" I wanted to go on facebook, and shout it to the world. Yet in the divine magnificence of such a treasure and a gift, my immediate and best response was to facebook message my Human Treasure, my ragged, ravaged Sweetheart. So I did. I e-mailed and included him in the excitement and co-catalyzed the magic with him. He tuned right in and shared some magic of his own, of recall of some writing he had done about some Mayan Jaguars. And there we caught up our pure heart connection, as we missed out on, the evening before, without the video component. We shared a long strong connection, outside the frays of my earlier full moon avalanche of shadow projections and mood swings. I felt some weird human relief, as if, in opening up the crap-hitting-the-fan, fear deluge, it somehow brought me to a kind of a ground zero, to the real foundation, underneath all the starry, poetic projections.  

I guess there had been a questioning from my side, of "can this really be, is this for the best?" My motivation, continues to be, let us both aspire and grow to the best life, love and purpose possible, whether we are an official "WE," or Soul mates who learn and grow together, or Soul Friends that find our way to build a certainty-centered, on purpose, inspiring life together. I am still, two months in, open to allowing the relationship, our Source Selves, and guides, to reveal what it is all about to us. So my frightened, spooked inner child, conscious mind, fear warrior, blasted this sacred creation of ours all to hell. Yet this glorious, most primal of all the shamanic powers, the earthy instinctual magical Mayan Cat came and got us SOUL Snuggling again.

While I would not consciously wish to hurt anyone in my life, least of all my New Beloved One, due to my Soul make up, my deep nature, my emotionally complex comfort zones, my being, and my life's work, as a facilitator of life & soul healing, I must say it felt like progress and some relief to me, to get real about deep psychological shit, even if I did it in the most of offensive ways, humanly possible. I have hurt someone who has loved me very sweetly and deeply, not on purpose, yet in the realms of SELF, that big love seems to play out in. I would not wish to do it again. I will do my best to bless it when I do it again. I will be as compassionate and understanding of the repercussions as possible. And I will have infinite understanding, if and when this Beloved One experiences his own version of his STUFF!

We do not come to Earth wishing to wage wars within, or without, to direct blind rage at anyone, or anything. Yet we run a hodgepodge of wild programs and instincts, of our animal nature, and of the best and worst of God and Man, Goddess and Woman, Warrior, Lover and Child. So bless this adventure. Bless us each and all, in being the best and worst lovers possible. At the very least, we bring no shortage of passion, nor of originality to the game, to the experiment which was founded originally in BLISS. 

Me & my Beloved we met in Bliss, we love in bliss, and I projected it up a bit with my shit and fan. But heck, we have newly discovered Abraham Hicks Forking Off Process to see us through: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZFq7wmKwEU So I know in my heart, we are truly empowered, guided and blessed, no question about it!  It is my challenge from here forward, to deeply and dearly remember who I am, and treat my Beloved accordingly.  

While I am not totally inspired by my actions and projections, I am grateful for where they lead, to co-creative choice, voice and blessings shared!

Did we rush in with a crazy urgency, speed and certainty, before getting to fully know each other as human beings? Of course we did!

I myself, am used to doing a lot of self care, through writing, as inspired my Julia Cameron's "The Artist's Way" Books and processes. This often consists of some pretty private dates with my journals, you know, stuff that ideally, no one else ever really has to read, while I'm embodied on Earth and all. Al similarly deals with the highs and lows of his life through writing, yet often more public, social, poetic, fantasy, heavenly, horror, cosmic, divine, gritty, the whole gamut.  He has poetry, writing, art and music as outlets, and shares these quite openly, when and as he chooses.

I realize I met Al two months back, and unconsciously left all my journal writing behind, scrawling down an inspiration or two, pouring much of my attention, love and expression into AL. Yet there is a certain pressure valve, a special appointment with all the layers and facets of my human divinity, and my human feet planted in the mud selves, that got quite ignored.  I also have been languishing in letting a lot of my human creations fall by the wayside, stepping back, craving change, craving the kind of divine support I so readily share with people.

So, since my past two consecutive full moon, divine fool, roller coaster rides and projections, I sat down last night, and filled a journal or two, with all my cosmic, divine, Earthly, muddy facets had to vent, observe, say, see and hear!  It was kind of scary.  I slept on it, and revisited it in the morning.  It is fair to say I seem to have a lot more issues with my divine masculine side, than my divine feminine. That's a lot of pressure on me, and any Brave Soul, enthused to leap in to Divine Love and Mirroring with me, right here at the changing of the ways... our Heavenly ReUNION on Mother Earth!

So I salute you, Al, and me, Jen, for taking the daring leap. My doubts and fears have all come into the bright, raging, roaring, loving, laughing, nurturing light of romantic earthly love, before even ever meeting, human to human, lover to lover, face to face. A big part of me is poised to leap up on the adobe roof, and run away, from so much human frailty, vulnerability, problems, brokeness, chaos, and fierce responsibility, encoded in facing my Divine Reflection so immediately. I appreciate insights of fellow artists and light bringers, like Author Jeff Brown, who remind on facebook pages, blogs, articles and books, that sometimes what the new age would have us claim as "projections," are actual valid issues, worries, and concerns worthy of our heart's discernment, not to be brushed off as that stuff I am projecting on, yet another beloved partner.

So here I am, poised at the complex crossroads, lurking, at the tail end of the honeymoon phase, of I don't know exactly what. I have two journals full of praises and wonders, fears and projections, terror, horror, pleasure, courage, and fun hall mirror reflections. Why me, why him, why these patterns, why this ease, why these challenges? I hear my wise teacher Dolores Cannon's voice ringing though my head, "Oh that, that's just human stuff!" I can give up on a fellow human, I can let go a commitment, a job, an external invitation, even a co-commitment, friendship or co-creation. Yet I can not give up on myself. If I do not face and address my sucky human patterns and habits, fears and hiding, rolling over and playing paralyzed, to buy a little time to run away from the stalking powers of who I truly am, with someone whom I love, then I will have to do so regardless. Or I will manifest all the same insanity in myself, and continue to label it other, and rant, scream, scapegoat, bedevil, and blame over full moons to come.

A facet of my self wants to dice and slice it all up, throw my hands in the air, give up, acknowledge "I can't do it. Judge all my fears into realities. The ancient young soldier inside of me wants to run away from the battle where I see my face plastered on all warriors. My limit based self wants to pitch it as either this or that, either I am Al's Soulmate, or I leap away and claim dominion over my own life. A worn out, overly open, overly giving aspect wants to enjoy more time out... wants to experience more play and direct pleasure. The true aspect of me, wants space to get to know this fellow human, beyond the labels, expectations, and mania of leaping first, and considering the consequences and details last... or never, or whatever. My inner professional wants the New Earth to Bloom, and fully sponsor the complete blooming of every Soul Gift I bring to this Earth Party... and every soul gift We each bring... Yesterday!

I feel a little wounded, and a bit more closed off, than before, when I presented as strengthened and open, eager and ready.  Now I want all these qualities for me, first, and then to share... as I choose and dare.

I love how much love I fall into, feel, am and share, with Al. And maybe it's a girl thing, yet I want to step back enough to ensure each of us stays strong, and whole, and on solid footing individually, while learning who we each, in this present reality are.  

So are we engaging, engaged, a soul match, soul mates, lovers, friends, soul friends, mystics, humans, on the same page, on various eclectic pages, full of shit, feet in the mud humans, ascended masters, dreamers, teachers, light bringers, early indigo's, bringers of the blue light, healers, wayshowers, systems busters, peace makers, earth walkers, love warriors, agitators, renegades, rebels, pioneers, victims, visionaries, romantics, musicians, dancers, poets, writers, authors, co-authors, co-creators, kindred spirits, starseed, soul family, earth angels, puzzle pieces, life quilt patches, change makers, trailblazers, slackers, creatives, shapeshifters, shamans, victors, love ripples, visionaries, god?

Probably... highly likely... who cares... I don't know... we do know... let's find out...!?!

In the new energies, we all enhance each ONE of us, either way.  

So I am grateful to love and be loved, bless and be blessed, bliss and be bliss, and am grateful to share this with AL and with ALL! I trust Love to remind us who we are, and how best to playfully shed JOY out, breath joy in, and groove on... sharing all of this together.

"When love and forgiveness pours unbidden, even the face of repression smiles and cries... They also sang the national anthem... and many of those military eyes cried... how beautiful this was..." - Al J. Alvarez G. (Mystique Wizzard) New developments on the front lines of change in Venezuela 3/17/14  Because change comes from within!

Wavy Gravy celebrating his 75th Birthday. Photograph by Brian Pounds

"We are all the same person trying to shake hands with our self!" - Wavy Gravy

Check out one of the most inspiring films I have seen in a while:

 "The Wavy Gravy Movie: Saint Misbehavin"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkV6KQLLi60

P.S. For the record, none of this may be true, yet it is, in this moment, how I make it up!