Why I am Now Engaging as this Divine Fool and Loving it!

 

My favorite card by the ever genius Richard Stine

Happy April Fools Season Beloved Friends, Fools, Masters, and Innocents

I Jen Klarfeld have a few confessions to make, this April Fools Day. It's been a wild ride, on Planet Earth, as we are closing old worlds and systems down and out, upgrading, and opening up new possibilities, energies and worlds. We are doing this within, individually, and together, collectively.

My wise and magical friend Jessie, puts it this way: "We are becoming a brand new species, and are in our infancy of the experience. I feel a lot like a kindergartener, wholly and secretly loved but fragile and innocent." 

April Fools Day is a day representing our abilities to plunge into new worlds, freedoms, innocence, and play. It is a day or archetype of leaving one's plans, mind, thinking, and habits behind. A Fool is a joker, a trickster, a jester, a player, a truth teller, a hobo, a prankster, an adventurer, a comic, a cut up, a rebel, a dare devil, a kid. The Fool is always willing to get lost in something new and unknown. The Fool is unscheduled, unplanned, spontaneous. The Fool rushes in. The Fool can change on a dime, and perform without a plan. The Fool is fueled on intuition. The fool sees your flaws and her own. The Fools is unapologetic for her differences. The Fool is willing to get lost, again and again.

When I first went off to college, at a big ten University in Iowa, I fell into Pure Fool-dom. I craved everything I was not directly offered. I felt deadened steeping in the preordained juices of what others around me lapped up with seeming relish. I felt lost. Football and basketball players held the spotlight, well coiffed, overly polished women spoke of pledging sororities. I attempted to go through the motions of taking boring classes, that felt like everything I had already been dragged through in high school, only in larger, more impersonal, more boring settings. It felt, pardon my language, retarded, retarding, or at least wasteful, and, well, stupid. I could not find my way, in the structures and ways seemingly offered.

So I watched other kids climb the ladder, fall through the cracks, and adjust to the limitations of this preordained system. I fell in with the fringe kids, fellow lost kids and creatives. I discovered secret vaults of knowledge in the giant libraries. I romanced writing broken poetry, dreamed of studying ancient esoteric arts, finding books on the history of astrology, and I stayed up until near dawn, painting abstract paintings, with paint I charged at the bookstore, with no art class to back it up. I fell for the older, gangster-wanna-be, blonde, bad boy, from not far from my home, a slick smiling charmer. Not sure my heart was open enough to get broken. It was more closed then, as I put on a tough front, and found solace, in photographing outsider mosaic art walls, in dank gray winter yards, of the otherwise artless surrounds. I remember blowing smoke rings to the spirit realms, and reading Jim Morrison and Rosemary Tonks broken sentences, as poetry, and finding influence, inspiration, and permission to stop making sense and let go. I wallpapered my half of the dorm room, in GQ pictures of male models I didn't know, and posters of Scott Baio, and the Grateful Dead. I gleaned a 1.43 grade point average, and eventually, after failing out of photography and canoeing, got my wish, to fail out, and go. I was the tragic romantic, lost fool. I was the outsider, who spoke the same language as the other kids and teachers, yet didn't. I remember going in for therapy, and reeling out, as fast as I came into some bookish man's academic office, with no real connection I could comprehend. I had opened my soul, and was there to get help from a member of the walking dead.

In retrospect, I bless and understand it all much better. Years later, I gratefully have found and sustained wonderful resources, within who I am, as well as in my physical, tangible world, and in my larger global community circles. Now it is easy for me to see, I wasn't here to fit in, and be thoroughly domesticated. The Fool is the lost one, the outsider, the loser, the outcast, the fringe kid, the artist, the one who sees through it all. The Fool becomes the Hero, the Master, the Creative, the Artist, the Healer, the Way Through!

I was the Fool, and am now the Trailblazer. I am my own Hero, the one finding my light and my way, and sharing this along the journey. I am unusually open, in a world often more structured and closed down.  I am the one willing to give to myself and to others. I am learning to be the one who chooses, who opens and receives, who collaborates, shares, co-creates and leads. I am discovering myself as the one who is found! I love myself, and love this about myself, and about my fellow travelers. This being lost and becoming found, this is the Hero's Journey, as Joseph Campbell has so eloquently named and illumined, for us to see our hang ups, and victories, through the lens of.

In January, I set off on a courageous quest, as I have so many times attempted and failed, to find true love on-line. I got caught up in my identifications, as my old friend and teacher Arjuna Ardagh calls them. I am a healer on this starseed path, I must control reality, and find one of my tribe finally, and settle down and have this cookie cutter, high vibrational life, I have always sought out.  On a site called www.In5d.net, short for in the fifth dimension, I was certain it would all be heaven on earth. Who could ask for anything more? I met three men, all with passions for writing, as well as spiritual roots, and gifts. The third one I met, after connecting as "friends" rushed in like a wild fire. My immediate response was to rush back. We rushed each other together, hence the earlier blog post of my instant engagement. In review, I had a lot of joy in my life, and some big next steps and leaps still to orchestrate. Still I have community circles, support, creative outlets, real close friends, countless new and local friends, many resources and gifts from within and around. I have many hard won resources within, perhaps more internal resources, strengths and gifts than even external.

I went along, enjoying getting to know this person we each decided we were ready to share  love, life, romance and purpose with, before really getting to know each other. At first I enjoyed sharing so much kinship, connection, love, attention, faith, and abundance of adoration and understanding.

One and two months into the virtual dance, I had intense reactions come up, for I began seeing the shadows rise up in heaven, right here on earth. Of course I saw all the shadows initially in him. This all came up out and through me and into the interplay, at the intense full moons of February and March. I simultaneously did work around it. "What's my role in this?  Why did I attract a lovely, loving, kind attentive potential partner who lives 3,000 miles away? Why is my inner male still wooing me from across the world? What did I do to lock in, yet another unrealistic, unavailable love? Why am I still lost inside? And why does this chosen one have pain and needs that I feel pulled to heal, while I am a fellow adult, with my own solutions, answers and needs still to actualize, find, meet!"

The Fool from www.Egypt.Urnash.com

OK so here's a confession. A few months short of 2012, I met a beautiful man in my most dear Soul Community and Ceremony Circle, in New Mexico. We sat together knee touching knee, free streaming in a "Children of the Sun" meditation, with light circles around the world, incidentally the meditation to uplift Africa. We ended up sharing this very ecstatic double kundalini awakening, that felt better than any sexual experience I have ever had.  Later a clairvoyant friend announced to me I was no longer single, in her eyes, I felt mysteriously coupled. This all came unbidden, at a Paranormal Symposium.  She said this new partner and I would share 100%, like I had never shared. I told her "I 'm not even seeing anyone, but I had this kundalini experience..."

So the handsome healer man and I ended up trading healings, energy work for soulwork. I was convinced I recognized this fellow adopted human, as I felt his infinite angel energies, and confessed, having experienced the most ecstatic bliss, and a Rolodex file, slide show of past life flash backs including us as ancient Egyptian Pharaoh and Queen. I could feel our circle recognizing us and welcoming us back. I rushed him with my realizations and feelings. I gifted him a book by my Teacher Dolores Cannon, which inspired him to train in my field, as a Dolores Cannon Quantum Healing Hypnosis Facilitator. I was convinced he was my Twin Soul Flame. He had a girlfriend that was not head over heals on a spiritual, or healer's path. Now he has a girlfriend who is. When I see my Twin Soul Flame now, I am blown away by all the bizarre stuff we share in common. He feels like my sexy soul brother & friend.  We understand each other in ways few do. I am relieved that we learned that we are so alike, and we each exist, and are even the same sign, still we share this keen soul vibe, and never really misused our energies together in this life time. He showed me, we were, perhaps too alike to compliment, learn and grow from each other. So I am grateful and glad.

Al ricocheted into my life, and it felt really sweet, and familiar, and graced, and easy, in so many ways. And under the full moons, and other scrutiny, the many realizations I had, included, that Al Alvarez of Venezuela, the man I lovingly called my non-distance love, came at me, with this same ALL open, wishing, needing, inner longing, to have me complete him, or be his inner goddess, for all the world to see. This attracted me, and felt endearing. I climbed aboard, and felt such promise lull me too. One realization I later had was, that I was historically the one who saw past life flashes, knew the man on my path was all the handsome fantasy men, on the posters of my college dorm room walls, and imagination's projection screen. After all, I'm an Artist.

So what I want to confess to myself and to you, is something of how I have stalked the inner other half, male god, my whole life, in one way and another. And that's cool.  I bless it. I have been lost, the outsider, I have been the tragic romantic, I have played the fool, I have felt so many times broken, lonely, needy, longing and desperate. I have been oh so human. I have felt helpless, hopeless, alone, abandoned, and self judging. And I do not blame a soul. 

I do not blame my parents, my government, my gurus, my educational institutions. I do not blame religion, corporations, the illuminati, political factions, past lives, enemies, ex lovers, catty women, childhood crushes, or friends. I do not blame society, family, drugs, the police, or the president! I do not blame the aristocracy, money, the Pope, men, women, or the current scapegoat fad. I do not blame the jealous other, or even my ancestors, past life persecutors, death, or the tax man. I do not blame the conspirators, the devil, the black tee-shirts, or the black hats. I do not blame my childhood, my society, or even myself. 

So it is no one's fault that we opened up the vault of love, and I, to my horror, began to see a bit too much of myself, longing for a pre-made, 100% guaranteed soulmate, a Russian mail order bride, in a Starseed Male Venezuelan. I had a ball telling the world, "I found my Soul Mate!"  It was a lovely adventure.

I had this realization, while painting with my friends at the Tarnoff Art Center, on something called the Inspiration Squad, a circle of artists willing to paint and create and mount shows of our art for the public... that my super power is, that I am the "Attention Everywhere Oracle." I have not always anchored completely in my body, and on my beloved planet. I am far more at home resting as infinity.  And when I am painting, dancing, expressing love, surfing my intuition, facilitating awakening, healing, and soul arts, it is so divine dipping into the Infinite Waters of who I am. Yet I came to Earth to learn, and to honor limitations, and to gain understanding through experiencing feelings. I came here to be physical, not just to resist it.

I have spent many years putting on a good front, as this creative, an artist, a hypnotherapist, a healer, a friend, an art gallery associate, and many more. An old San Francisco Friend once introduced me as "This is my Friend Jen. I have to warn you, she makes it all up as she goes!" I love that introduction, for that is the essence of the Fool. So for better, and for worse, I am this expansive, open, imaginative, creative Source and Force.

I also must admit, I have been lost more often than not. I am so open to the fine art of being the Fool, everyday, that today, I want more to just share the truth. Today I just want to come clean. These have always been confusing times for me, as I make my way into emergence, through one kind of life, family, and community, into new ones. My last name is encoded with these two words: "Clear" and "field." It is easy to be one, for others. Yet I forget, too often, how to be this for me.

A very cool The Fool Tarot Card by Marmot Art, found on Google.

Yesterday I was guided to find this amazing youtube video by Teal Scott, the Spiritual Catalyst, my Friend Audry told me I must come and see, on her tour to Santa Fe, last year.
Feeling Lost and Ten Steps to Becoming Found:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aIC1wHAYRO0

This exceptional video is really helping me, untangle some of who I have become, for who I truly am.

I had this fear or feeling, that Al brought all this certainty to me, yet did not always have it within. If I apply Byron Katie's "The Work" to this, I do the turn around, and pull this projection back as my own.

"I fear that I have all this certainty for others, that I do not always have and source within, and for my own self!" Yes, sometimes this rings true for me. It is also part of the gift that allows me to remain humble, and in great awe of my clients and friends, reaching deep gifts and high heights, and balance within, on this shared path.

Like many sensitives, feelers, artists and healers, I have taken a good road, to rise up from old pain of the past. Yet I have also learned at times to be lost, to be the fool, to carry the pain of others around, to be open to my own detriment.  I have learned to feel responsible for the pain and suffering of others. Is this true, could I be responsible for the pain and suffering of other grown adults, that I have just recently met. Really?  No, of course not.

I have a best friend forever, my BFF Laura who runs www.TarnoffArtCenter.org
She is a solid, trusting, healthy force of grounded goodness, and still creative, driven, mystical and encouraging. We are a lot alike, and unique at the same time. While not a therapist, Laura is a Teacher, an Artist, Art Teacher, and more. Tracking each others' lives as friends, she has helped coach me, and at various times pointed out my blindspots and resources, like nobody else ever has.  

This year I have been wavering a bit, wanting to surrender in, as and to joy, and tired of plunking along, pretending to like the business building necessary to carry my practice into the New Earth.

Trusting others is my cornerstone. Yet can I trust myself?  And as I do, how vast a Self am I open to trusting, expanding, revealing and acting upon?

In reality, it does not feel like who I truly am, that is limiting me. In other words, I bless the Divine Fool space I have been in. I admit I am not sure, do I want to keep helping people heal themselves, in the ways I have set up. Yes and no. Part of me craves that breaking down, as I did at the University. 

I have so many cravings towards infinite unfoldings. I want to love deeply and dearly, and ideally one person, who is complimentary to share and build together a life that enriches, serves, and loves each one, and many.

I long to let my painting and art making run wild, and show me, what it is really here to share and bring, and bloom. I long to create more with and through music, and film, and to dance more often, more freely, in community, and to sing, and chant, and allow sound healing, and raw forces, divine and human to play through me.

No longer do I want to pin, bound, and lance it all down, in dead-end definitions, and expectations.

My heart is pure, and a gift worthy and fruitful for sharing. This much I am sure of.

One last confession, is that I have rekindled a flame between myself and an old flame of over 25 years ago. So far we have only shared on-line, and have not even shared a conversation, let alone a video talk. This old flame, and life long friend, is single, and at some major crossroads, as am I. He lives a pretty easy, healthy distance from me, in a place as unique and special, sought after, and sacred, as the Wild West place I did choose to dwell. He is more complimentary to me, as he is not a lost in the clouds of the ethers mystic, or artist, healer, or spiritualist.

The person I am just beginning, less than a week, to get to know, is a kind, warm, down to earth, impassioned, driven, creative, spiritual, athlete, and business man. He has a great sense of life, light, humor, and realness. He has something to teach me about the cliff notes version of sharing a life story. We already share attraction, friendship, respect, admiration, and many qualities. Our backgrounds are pretty similar, as are the roads of hard knocks we each pummeled through, to individuate into having more resources at hand, than many we grew up with.

I have no outward proof, that our lives could ever pair up, easily, comfortably or cleanly.  We are a real set of opposites-attract. The truth is, since I confessed to Al, that I do not feel I can stretch myself to co-create the fantasy we have been co-visioning, I have been very gently "engaging" with my long time friend, this one, who quite spontaneously opened my eyes to possibilities, we have already paved some ways to, in our younger days.

So, this time around, in a more grounding energy, I wish to not blast the world with a sudden fantasy love match for my future. So expect no immediate fanfare, names, photos, details, or projections.The treasures of it, are over all for us, now.

A Beautiful Tarot The Fool Card from www.psymon.com visit for a free divination!

Just know that when one door closes, another door always opens. And for now I am really gifted, grateful, and grounded, nurtured and nourished to be friending, and who knows what's to come, a dear old friend and old flame, who inspires me to the side of life, I dearly miss, resist, and long to reunite with... the physical, tangible, ordered, logical, natural, local, balance of polarities, the simple world of physical 3-d reality. 

I fled to the spiritual, to find some force to run away to, or with, and the irony, is that the one who was so sure I was his 5-d soulmate, is the one, who reminded me, I do not know, nor want to know, nor have to know, label, define, project, lasso, shackle, or pin down all the specific details. I can let go and let Source. It's all blessed.

I am grateful for all the Beloveds in this sweet journey, and for my craving towards balance within me, my life, and my gifts, my loves and my heart.

For today, even more than most, I am grateful for resting, trusting, surrendering, and being this Fool.

In a meditation years and years ago, in Marin County, around San Francisco, hosted by Arjuna Ardagh, A friend of ours, came out of the Satsang, the Circle of Friends ... meditation, and spoke straight from his heart. He said: "My mind longs for everything. My heart longs for nothing."

Fool of my Heart... lead the way!