Seeing and Outgrowing Wounding Familial Patterns of Narcissistic Abuse

Tonight I found this old rattled post of mine, from January 25th, 2017, one year ago today.

It couldn't be more timely. Even though I invested 2 or so recent years in therapy, and have invested much of my adult life both receiving, training in, and facilitating multiple soul based forms of therapy and healing arts, I still struggle with my life long, now aging adoptive mother, and her warring, fearing, volatile need to control, flip roles on me her adult daughter, and attack me with spontaneous bouts of volatility, rage, aggression, fear, hysteria, and projections.

This year I have been stepping back and reviewing the taxing toxic nature of her relationship with herself, and how she projects the absolute worst of it onto me, unconsciously casting me in the role of scapegoat, to gain something experts in the field call narcissistic fuel, narcissistic feed, narcissistic supply, or some say, simply complete obliteration. When you learn about the mechanics of narcissism, its limitations and ill health really grow more predictable, and in many ways ridiculous.  Still the pain and poison of the often unconscious cycle continue to debilitate and hurt those still caught in the narcissist's web, and the narcissist herself, lives, pained, poisoned, trapped, alone, and hurt, in part due to her own lack of self esteem, confidence, value and worth. She pretends to be something she's not, yet never really feels or believes her own act fully.

Due to her inner lack, she cannot fully open to love, thus she casts people in the roles of her un-lovables, and her non-lovers, all merely projections of the hate she feels within.

Today I received a hand written letter from a close relative with narcissistic borderline personality disorder. It complimented me, and then added, "however," and... kind of almost validating and then invalidating, went on issuing commands, demands, and a flowery look-outside-of-me... to see evidence of how I must let myself be defined externally and comply, to meet the narcissists' needs... kind of edict. It had a compelling edge and tone, written on some pretty, perky, dark pink, 30 year old stationary.

I knew it did not actually see me, it's as far from my truth as is possible, that it isn't actually about me, etc. Still it confused me and made me crave a healthy witness and guide. 

So I googled a phrase that would give away too much info if I stated it here, which included "how to set boundaries with .... *.... narcissistic ....'s!"

*Narcissistic Mothers

So much helpful info came up. I read at least 6 short articles. I was reminded, they can't really see, hear, acknowledge or love you, so stop seeking these needs out from them. They don't know where they end and I begin. Explaining any of this to them will not help or translate. Their self esteem is not strong enough to take any of this in. It's a threat to everything they present themselves to be.

My best course is setting firm boundaries, seeing their behaviors as an illness, not expecting healthy or normal responses, not raging for lack of love, not explaining my side, as they are incapable of seeing, valuing, or validating me as separate. Also learned to look back at my history of relating to the narcissistic borderline personality disordered relation & grab hold of whatever has worked in past.

Thank you oh great goddess Google, and all the brilliant wise women and people who post such helpful guidance and articles there.

I will not get dragged under the bus of mentally ill "needs" and criticism, conditional almost love, nor my own triggered emotions, to tests like these. If I do I will drag myself out, or reach out to a neutral healthy friend or family member, to help ease me back out.

As for the narcissist in my life. You are at times compelling, however I overall don't believe or trust you and your life history of cases against me, any more than Mr. Trump's against the world. Grateful I know I am not you. Grateful I have discovered love directly within, health, transformation, and a lifetime of my own unique successes!

Grateful for help, not to project such unquenchable need and burdens back on myself, nor onto my relationships and world.

Grateful!

Recently, as a "good daughter" treated and attacked like a bad one, I have spontaneously reviewed my primary parental relationships. One night it felt almost like two vertical towers, one holding records to my relationship with my Father, and one holding memories and jarring emotions from my Mother.

Even while I know this clearly mentally, emotionally it still feels startling.  I review my life long relationship with my dad, and really everyone else I am currently connected with as friends and or family. As I do, it's pretty clear, balanced, healthy, and problem free.

Then I review the recent year, previous years, times I have been in crisis, times my mom has been in crisis.  In this review, this very tall tower of sorts of records, holds countless debilitating episodes, memories, outbursts, and minefield like dramas and wars.

I sit back, look, and see clearly, I may occasionally react, or get triggered, or sucked into war games within, or with others. Yet it is not really my chosen lifestyle to live on the offensive, bombing family and friends with verbal and emotional attacks.

Yet many times when either my mom is under pressure, or I am under pressure, she quickly moves into the offensive position, and I am forced into a defensive position only, or occasionally I emotionally track or mirror her, and join her in offense, still always to defend, against her offense.

I am more empathic, and she is the only one left in my life who allows herself to treat me in these out of control, outlandish, abusive ways. She's the only one in my life, who still treats her self in such ways.

No one else holds their pain over me in such an attack, blame, shame, powerless, scared, high stakes drama sort of a way. No one!

This year my mom played the whole game out, almost word for word, the same as last year.  In fact when I moved across the country, leaving her to steep in her own poisonous juices, over 30 years ago, it was around this time of year. The coldest driest, most gray time of year.

The tired needy rhetoric is the same. I called to listen, consult, and help her yesterday, and fire bombs of attack launched: "You need to" and "A daughter should" "Well you knew this and you should have that, a whole week ago," and "you've never apologized to me in your whole life!" and worse.  A lot of "you don't love me" style stuff.  I literally blocked a lot of it out, because there was nothing new in her repertoire. My mother was literally an actress throughout most of her life.  Still she hung up on me, when I spoke any words in relation to my side of the fence.  She hung up, coldly commanding me not to yell, as my voice raised, in the heat of her inflammatory accusations.  Then she yelled at and criticism bombed me. Then she refused to answer, several more times.

I have no rights, no say, no validity, no nothing, with her.  It's sick, sick, raging, and war filled.  

I have been told over and over that I can't change her.  Yet as I get help, work on myself, learn healthy limits, and grow, I am not the same as I was, and can not simply allow this.

In the circles of daughters and adult children of narcissistic mothers and parents, the healthy, and often only solutions are no contact, or low contact.

My mother is 85, and no contact seems kind of harsh. When one has been treated the majority of one's life by a narcissistic parent, as the bad, wrong, stupid, valueless, scapegoat, then low or no contact can make that adult child even more bad, wrong, unloving, stupid, valueless and blame worthy. Unfortunately it's a real no win, no win set up.

It's a no win, because, based on her low self esteem, when I pull back to experience health, the narcissistic adult mother internalizes all the bad, wrong, stupid, undeserving, unlovable, valueless, helpless, hopeless, unloved feelings and beliefs, that she needs to project, scapegoat and or source out, to survive.

Narcissists can be very dangerous to their own selves, and their so called love ones. They attack their children to get validation, and to steal some kind of love, they do not feel soft enough to open to, let alone consistently offer out, or share.

I want to tell her, your true legacy to me is disconnection, helplessness, hopelessness, complex PTSD, brokeness, poison, and the painful instinctual responses I grab for of fight, flight, freeze, deaden, break, burden, buried rage, sadness and sickness. As long as I keep the narcissist in my life, I carry heightened toxic levels of feeling, sadness, doubt, shame and pain, that hold nothing useful for me, and potentially lead to the same deadly disorder.

I want to tell her, if you really love me, you would not love me.

Or if you really love me, get some help to find balance and love within your own self, without me.

Yet I don't have those options.

So I take a little more time out, take a few more steps back in, into trust, into myself, and back into the life she has so deeply taught me to hate and fear, and the self she has taught me to distrust, attack, blame, shame, hate and berate.

None of this is actually mine. I came here to transform all of this, step by baby step.  I came here to safely show up as me, and share this with healthy friends and relatives.

Yet I can only transform my side of the equation. These are some of the supercharged road blocks, I came here to masterfully maneuver. I am not the mommy, God, savior, therapist, parent, wife or husband of my narcissistic mother.  If she wants real help, may she go out and find it.  

This year I am stepping up to serve my own life. I am showing up to co-create my own success. Those are my only options.

A lot of years I  served others, while negating, and ignoring myself, as I was trained to. I reached a breaking point with this three years ago, and can't operate this way anymore.

I have hidden from life, as if life is my narcissistic mother, in recent years, because for years, and throughout our childhoods, thats what narcissistic others taught us. We were in no position to question it, as we had no clue there were any other sort of mothers out there. That's sick, dangerous, and ultimately not at all even about me.

I came here to be free, to be this gift, to be this blessing. I will no longer go down silently, in defeat, to this consistently offensive force. She overall doesn't even see me. Still life invites me back to myself. Life invites us into ourselves. Life sees and loves me, as I see and love life.

I wish my mother well, and hope she lines up a life that truly feeds, helps, serves and loves her.  

And this projection on me, that I am to be this all giving life, love, and savior to her, has run it's course. She can have it back, without me in it.

This lack pit, has no truth for me anymore. She can have it, trade it, refurnish it, or upgrade it!

I'm trying something new this round. I'm being me, for me.

I feel like My mom has sucker punched me so many times, on the playgrounds of her war fields, that she's trained me to punch back.

I will not go down in silence this round.

This season, I am here to push back, show up, and be the powerful star I came here as, and equally to fully be!